Scott Cawson has released another fucking Five Nights at Freddy’s game – a magical time that only happens, on average, every 116 1/3 days. While the nerds on YouTube pretend to be scared by the vanilla jump scares, I have been reading through the source code and game files to uncover some of the real secrets hidden in this game – and, man, has Scott hidden some real gems. So prepare yourselves for five of the most difficult jump scares to discover in FNaF history.
As a quick note: if you’re interested in the lore of the FNaF universe, there may be spoilers throughout this article
1. The Game Will Make Your Parents Fuck.
There’s a 1 in 696,696 chance that, on Night 4, if you approach the left door of your room, you will hear muffled moaning and slapping sounds. If you press the left arrow key at just the right time, the player character will sprint down the hall way and burst into his parents’ room to find them boning like the world were about to end. All while spooky robots are hanging out in their house.
FNaF 4 then triggers your computer to release a fine mist of human pheromones into the air, which throws anyone into the house into a sexual frenzy. At this point, your actual parents will come to your room and start fucking. Don’t live with your parents because you’re not 15 years old/a 27 year old basement virgin? It doesn’t matter. Your roommates will come in and fuck all over your furniture. Or maybe it will be your next-door neighbors. Or the mailman and your spouse. It doesn’t matter – someone’s going to fuck in your room while you sit at your computer like the fucking nerd you are and play a game about haunted animatronics.
2. The Mangle’s Genitals.
I know what you fucking nerds are saying “OOOOOO, THE MANGLE ISN’T IN THIS GAME – IT’S JUST THE BIG DUMB NIGHTMARE VERSIONS OF THE OG ANIMATRONICS.” Well, guess what, nerds – I found this .gif in the files of the game:
There is no recorded instance of this jump scare appearing for any player up to this point, but if you’re some kind of guro-yiff aficionado, and want an eyeful of the Mangle’s cock, keep playing!
3. Pewdiepie will literally tell you this game isn’t scary.
It’s true, Pewdiepie doesn’t think this game is scary. If your Steam account has the other three games on it, and your microphone detects a reaction to a jump scare, an image of Pewdiepie’s face will occasionally appear and call you a pussy.
He’ll then read you a short academic paper about market saturation.
4. The Deep Web FNaF Red Room.
Unknown to everyone who purchased FNaF 4 on launch day, they were entered into a lottery to participate in a special, live “Red Room” snuff-style execution available only on the shadow web. Two people will be randomly selected on September 15th, 2015 to participate. The first will direct the red room, the second will be its victim.
On October 31st, 2015 (this is what Scott meant by this false release date on his website) a special .onion URL will be transmitted to every person who’s purchased FNaF 4. This will direct you to a live feed of the first winner, bound and gagged in a dark, windowless room. From behind the victor, Scott Cawthon will creep, wearing a solid gold Freddy mask dusted lightly with cocaine – a small token of the newfound decadence his FNaF fortune has afforded him.
From there, the other lottery winner will command Scott on how to proceed with his victim. The director will make Scott Cawson do things that will make that Abu Grahib shit look like Disney. He will humiliate his victim, dress them in women’s clothing, flay their digits, and rend their flesh. This shit will be seriously fucked.
Then, no fewer than 10 teenage boys will be commissioned to write creepypastas about it, to make sure any discussion of the event isn’t credible. Weirdly enough, no one will have bothered to screen cap any evidence from the whole affair, because that’s how spooky internet stories work.
I sure would like to see how Markiplier reacts in that chair!
5. I Don’t Know, Like a Video of a Skeleton and a Helicopter or Some Shit?
Look, I know I’m breaking the fourth wall here, but I’m behind schedule on this joke article – FNaF 4 came out like a goddamned month ago. That means, statistically, we’re like a quarter of the way to FNaF 5. So, to compensate for lost time, I’m just going to go the Buzzfeed route and steal someone else’s content.
So I guess that this video plays over FNaF 4 sometimes or whatever. Terrifying!
Props to CoolNue for making some of the coolest skeleton-based content on YouTube.
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