Recently, we at the Union Forever enraged the nation of Scotland when we published our factual, accurate, and completely correct comparison between the British country and North Korea. Countless Scots, shocked by the truth, gave voice to their ire on the Union Forever’s Facebook page.
Just like Gandhi, we at The Union Forever deeply believe in the light of truth, no matter how difficult it might be to speak it, or how difficult it might be for listener to hear. Also, like Gandhi, we’re not English, so please stop accusing us of being English. Or Welsh. Or even European. Also, on that note, someone please tell me what “Alga gu brath” means in the comments so I don’t have to go through the trouble of Googling it.
But enough digression. People of Scotland (or, really, I guess actually I’m only addressing Scottish citizens who were shit-talking our website), today I have taken it upon myself to take you to task. I intend to reveal to you that, based on entirely arbitrary criteria, William Wallace is kind of comparable to Kim Jong Un in the same ways that both of those national icons are probably also comparable to other arbitrarily selected national icons or even regular people throughout history. You can scorn me for it. You can hate me all you want. You can burn me in effigy, murder my pets, and send death threats to my family members. But you have to hear the truth:
4 Reasons why William Wallace is the Kim Jong Un of Scotland
A ludicrous percentage all human’s DNA is identical. John Wayne Gacy’s DNA is almost 100% similar to John Lennon’s. Pope Francis’ DNA is almost 100% similar to Edward Snowden’s. Ludicrous’s DNA is almost 100% similar to Joseph Stalin’s. It’s a goofy sequence of G’s, A’s, T’s, and C’s that makes your dissimilarities with others seem really insignificant.
This fundamental truth allows us to draw our first comparison. Kim Jeong Un has DNA. William Wallace had DNA. Therefore, their DNA is like almost 100% identical. When you consider that chimpanzees are only have 98% identical DNA sequencing to humans, and potatoes have like 50%, we can definitively conclude that Wallace and Kim are way more similar to each other than they are to either chimpanzees or potatoes. Coincidence?
2. Both of them are people who I have to assume either currently exist or have existed in the past based on various media that I have consumed.
I’ve never personally met William Wallace. He’s probably dead. But I did watch Mel Gibson’s Braveheart. I also watched a really mediocre Epic Rap Battle of History where he was lazily matched against George Washington. I also watched an episode of The Deadliest Warrior where he fucked up Shaka Zulu with a big-ass sword.
Similarly, I’ve never met Kim Jong Un. I have, however, read an article by The Onion where he claimed the title of World’s Sexiest Man. I have not seen The Interview, but I have seen leaked footage of him dying.
So, based on these facts, I can only assume that Kim Jong Un and William Wallace are both people who either currently exist or have existed in the same reality in which we currently exist. Spooky!
3. Both of them were either afflicted with gout or drawn and quartered.
Now, when you’re making comparisons like this one, you have to be careful about how you categorize things. If you only consider individuals who have gout, you exclude William Wallace and, consequently, can’t make a comparison. If you only consider people who were drawn and quartered, you exclude Kim, and can’t draw a comparison either. But, if you combine the two concepts into a single categorical bucket containing all people who either had gout or were drawn and quartered, you can definitively state that both William Wallace and Kim Jong Un would belong in that bucket, and, consequently, are similar based on this criterion.
We can definitively say both William Wallace and Kim Jong Un either had gout or were quartered. Both were either Asian or white. Both were either the supreme leaders of Korea or fought in a war for Scottish independence. That’s a lot of categorical overlap. Conspiracy?
4. You’ve never seen both of them at the same place at the same time.
Just like the sun & the moon, you’ve probably never seen these two at the same time. Ergo, there is a distinct possibility that they may or may not be the same person who is over 700 years old and got some serious plastic surgery to make himself look Korean. Improbable? Absolutely. Possible? Probably not, but maybe.
The Truth is out there, my Scottish brothers and sisters. Alga gu brath!