7 Reasons to Stay Home from Thanksgiving Dinner

Giving thanks is cowardice

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The central tenet of Thanksgiving – that you should take a step back from life and thank God/the universe for not murdering you – is a lie. God didn’t not murder you – you not murdered you. You dodged that bus. You choose the right cancer treatment. You avoided being a black child in Cleveland. Who would give thanks for things that they, themselves, accomplished? Only a coward. Or maybe a lapsed atheist.

Turkey is poison

Poison

All turkeys in the modern United States are grown in the turkey gulag, where the animals are put behind bars, housed in crowded pens, and aren’t even given their right to a phone call. This makes turkeys poison. As Vegan Science tells us, eating an unhappy animal will turn you into a psychopath or – worse – a vegan, so don’t poison your soul with turkey!

Also, did you know that a turkey is actually a dead bird? Gross! You wouldn’t eat a dead bird your cat dumped on your porch would you?

Your family is full of racists

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Is your family black, white, indigenous, Asian, Hispanic? Is it a wonderful cornucopia of races, cultures, and creeds? Doesn’t matter. So long as they’re American, they’re racist as shit. And now that Thanksgiving is here and all the humans you’re most embarrassed to know are assembled in one place, it’s only a matter of time until someone says something obscenely racist.

Do you really want to spend another year sitting in quiet humiliation while your grandmother opens the festivities with a prayer asking God to assassinate “that mudblooded Muslim in White House?” What if this is the year you snap and teach that stooped, diabetic 84-year-old about the pain of five centuries of institutionalized oppression by gouging out her glass eye with a spoon?

Eating only makes you fat

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The body-positive industrial complex might try and deny it, but deep down we all know they’re liars; people who aren’t beautiful are worthless. Let’s face facts: eating that second helping—even a first helping—of that sweet potato soufflé isn’t going to bring you one centimeter closer to being Ryan Gosling. Better to just stay home and eat nothing while weeping into your pillow about how no one could ever possibly love you, fat cow that you are.

Family is an artificial construct

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The modern conception of the family, as a cohesive unit bound together to aid each other in survival, was invented by the Hallmark Company in 1863. Previous to that, we were all free birds roaming the skies without mate or master, allying ourselves only with those who pleased us and rejecting all those who repulsed us. No mothers. No fathers. No uncles to make fun of our weight. No cousins to steal our toys. No aunts to spill mashed potatoes onto your lap. In a word, Freedom. Let us return, friends, to Freedom by abolishing the sick, sad, corrupting institution of family and the most heinous link in its chains: Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving might give you #Ebola

Ebola

There are only three countries on earth that celebrate Thanksgiving. The United States, Canada, and Liberia. Do you know what they have in Liberia? #Ebola. Scientists will tell you that you can’t catch Ebola just by sharing a holiday tradition, but who are you going to trust, science or the internet? I mean, Ebola has to be randomly transmittable across time and space, or else why would so many people be panicked over a disease that’s killed fewer Americans than swallowing toothpicks?

Everybody else hates Thanksgiving

Nobody likes Thanksgiving. It’s a chore. The food isn’t very good. You have to spend hours preparing for it. Your family is all there, and your interactions with them are poisoned by the people you don’t like in that family but cannot escape. There isn’t enough dancing, or booze, or D&D, or whatever you like at your parties. There’s nothing. Thanksgiving is a tedious, blasted desert of a holiday, with none of the surprise of Christmas or the goofiness of Halloween.

Everybody knows this. So conform! Join the crowd! Go with the flow! Piss on your grandfather! Hate Thanksgiving with us, and we will stand as a more United nation than ever before.