Christmas is probably the most popular holiday on Earth. It’s celebrated by almost everyone in North America and Europe, plus hundreds of millions of people across Asia and Africa. It is so charming, so beloved, so joyful that even millions of people who have contrary religious beliefs or no religious beliefs at all celebrate it with the same aplomb as the most devout of Christians. While so much strives to drive us apart, Christmas brings us all together into one transnational, transreligious, transpolitical, transsexual family united in our love of gifts and giving.
But unfortunately it is truth universally acknowledged that the road to the graveyard of empires is paved with brotherly love, and we here at the Union Forever are patriots first and loving, generous people second.
On behalf of America’s foremost intellectual webzone, I call upon President Barack Obama to save the republic by issuing an executive order that immediately illegalizes Christmas.
Here are 13 reasons why should join us in our crusade to free America:
1. Christmas Trees Kill 12 People Every Year
Shocking but true. According to a study done by the Electrical Safety Foundation International, fires started by Christmas trees kill 12 Americans every year and injure another 24. That’s more Americans than have been killed by Ebola and ISIS combined.
And yet the United States of America is spending billions of dollars to fight the first and using missiles, Special Forces, and drone strikes to fight the second? Being soft on terror isn’t half the danger to American lives that being soft on Christmas is. The facts are clear: If we really want to save American lives, we need to start bombing Christmas trees.
2. Nobody Ever Gives You Your Damn Cha Cha Heels
3. Hitler Loved Christmas
Hitler may not have been all about the “Christ” part of Christmas because Jesus was a Jew and therefore a festering boil on the face of humanity, but he sure did love giving gifts. All the Nazis did. They held huge Christmas feasts. They organized massive toy drives to bring Christmas to the poor. They placed the holiday front and center in their idealized version of German family life.
Now none of this is to say that celebrating Christmas makes you a Nazi, but doing something nice on Christmas—like giving a gift to a child—does make you like Hitler, and do you really want to have to admit that you and Hitler believe in some of the same things?
4. The Pilgrims Hated Christmas
Every year at Thanksgiving we all get together and talk about how awesome the Pilgrims were for helping to found the four great American traditions of equality before the law, elective government, stealing stuff from Indians, and the unquestionable freedom to be an insufferable religious fanatic.
But did you know that those most American of colonial Americans hated Christmas? Like their Puritan forbears in England, they thought that paganistic holidays like Christmas promoted idolatry and distracted our attention from the only thing that mattered in life—our relationship with God.
So they made it illegal. In England, during the Protectorate, they would flat out kill you if they caught you celebrating Christmas. In America they were a little more mellow, but they would still throw you in jail, and their descendants would still actively scorn you in public for celebrating the heathen holiday right up until the latter part of the 19th century.
5. The War on Christmas Would Finally Be a Real Thing
The problem with believing that there’s a war on Christmas is that when you express that belief, everyone looks at you like you’re an idiot. Because you are an idiot. For two months of the year the entirety of Western Civilization revolves around Christmas. Tens of billions if not hundreds of billions of dollars expended on Christmas. People riot in Walmarts over Christmas. How is that not enough for you?
Now you can make an argument that the commercialist aspects of Christmas have long since outweighed any of its spiritual elements. But, frankly, Christmas has no one to blame for that but itself. Nobody forced Santa Claus and gift giving onto Christmas. Christmas embraced those things so as to make itself more popular. Live by the marketing ploy, die by the marketing ploy.
But anyway, if Obama actually illegalized Christmas than you wouldn’t be a confused, easily manipulated dullard anymore—you could actually be oppressed! Then people could feel sorry for you, and having people feel sorry for you is the primary currency of our politics!
6. An End to the Tyranny of Christmas Music
Christmas music is more unpleasant than death metal. More unpleasant than noise music. More unpleasant than the caterwaul screeching of Maroon 5. And yet for at least a full month of every year it is everywhere. You cannot go to the mall, you cannot buy yogurt, you can’t buy hash behind the local gas station without some loudspeaker jamming some retro-dubstep update of “Oh Little Bethlehem” into your ear.
Why? Why? Who enjoys Christmas music? What sort of monsters are they and why aren’t I allowed to do to them what the CIA did to detainees? No, I’m not saying Christmas music is equivalent to terrorism, I’m saying it’s worse. Osama bin Laden didn’t do half as much to destroy the dignity of human life as the producer of Hanson: Snowed In.
7. Zwarte Piet
In Holland, Old Saint Nick has a special little helper named Zwarte Piet who helps the old, tired, rich-as-balls saint pass out presents. Every year the two of them arrive on a Steamship from Africa in Rotterdam and begin the Christmas festivities by holding a massive parade full of hundreds of people dressed up like Saint Nick and Zwarte Piet.
Unfortunately, this is what Zwarte Piet looks like:
To this day, Dutch people refuse to stop dressing up in blackface to celebrate Christmas. When Afro-Dutch people protest this two hundred year old tradition, people will literally beat them up on the street for daring to question the racial sensitivity of Zwarte Piet. When the United Nations Human Rights Council asked Holland to alter the tradition by getting rid of at least the fuzzy wig and red lipstick, people responded by openly threatening the UN with an anger that would make Rand Paul blush.
If the Dutch will not reform, the United States must abolish Christmas in solidarity. Presents just aren’t worth that sort of heinous disrespect to other people’s humanity.
8. Martin Luther Invented the Christmas Tree
Most people think Jesus invented the Christmas tree when he told the Wise Man who gave him frankincense, “That’s all you have for me? Why didn’t you just give me a goddamn pine tree, you cheap Armenian prick?” But that’s not actually true. Turns out it was the great Martin Luther who founded the practice after being impressed by the brilliance of the twinkling stars on a night walk. Wanting to share this experience with his family who were, as the legend goes, too terrified to leave the house for fear the Pope would kill them, Luther set up a tree in their house and, much to his insurance broker’s dismay, wired a bunch of candles to the branches.
What this means is that every time you pull your plastic Christmas tree out of the closet and plug it into the wall, you’re essentially pissing in the mouth of the Pope, John Calvin, Richard Dawkins, Henry the 8th or whatever other spiritual prophet you might believe in. If the Cross is the eternal and undeniable symbol of Christ’s divinity, your Christmas tree is the eternal and undeniable symbol of your subservience to Martin Luther’s satanic theological genius.
9. Christmas Was Originally a Pagan Holiday Anyway
I could spend a thousand words explaining to you the development of Christian holiday theology from the Antiochieans up until the conversion of Constantine, but you clearly didn’t click on a listicle because you like to read. Therefore, I’m just going to let the Prophet Huey Freeman do it for me:
10. The Elves Are All Clearly Slaves
Every year children ask their parents, Mommy why do the Elves work for Santa when he doesn’t pay them? Isn’t that slavery? And every year some parent mumbles back, Well, uhh, it’s okay because they enjoy it! That is the same exact excuse used by slave-owners to sustain that putrid institution. Every time we allow our children to witness the cruel subjugation of the Elves, we cheapen the memory of slavery and offer aid and comfort to the politicians, judges, and landowners who upheld that institution and ultimately drove the United States to civil war.
11. The Chinese are Starting to Get into Christmas
Apparently stealing the great American tradition of wage slavery wasn’t enough for them. Now all over Communist China, people are dressing up like Santa Clause and elves. They’re giving each other presents. They’re putting up trees and lights and stars.
Adopting Chinese torture techniques is one thing, but can we really stomach sharing with them our most holy of consumerist holidays? Can we allow a future where our children suck on sweatshop-produced candy canes whose red no longer represents the joyful blood of Jesus on the Cross, but the sinister, tyrannical red of Mao Zedong Thought?
It’s sad, but if we don’t destroy this holiday now, than it will be the gateway to the Sinofication of our children.
12. Kwanzaa is Vastly Superior
Unlike Christmas, Kwanzaa is awesome. It last seven days, so you get more bang for your buck. It doesn’t just bring together family, but your community and friends—you know, the people you actually like. It involves a much cooler color scheme. It even celebrates things that are actually meaningful, like self-determination, cooperative economics, and collective responsibility.
Christmas is just a holiday of greed, of hoarding presents and impressing others with your ability to give presents. That’s not a thing our society needs. Every single minute of every single day is devoted to the worship of wealth and the transformation of that wealth into larger and larger hordes of junk. If we’re going to embrace a holiday invented solely for political reasons, why not at least embrace a made-up holiday that actually aspires to make us better people?
13. The Lie of Santa Clause is Morally Corrupting to Our Children
We all know how Christmas works: If you’re good than maybe Santa Clause will bring you a present. We say this to keep kids in line and acting responsibly. But what does this actually teach our children? It teaches them that they should only be moral because there is an inherent material reward for morality. Be obedient, be kind, and eventually you’ll get paid.
This is a horrible—if not criminal—way to raise your children. There is no material reward for doing the right thing in life. There is frequently an immense material cost for doing the right thing—lost wealth, lost career advancement, lost friends. When faced with those losses, a system of morality built on Christmas will implode. They will fall into despair. They will fall into nihilism. They will steal, rape, and murder because why not steal, rape, and murder if the only measure of value is material gain.
And even if by some miracle your little Susie doesn’t grow up to be a serial insurance arsonist, centering the greatest ritual of her childhood on a blatant lie—on a lie that she will undoubtedly uncover—calls into question the very essence of the parent-child relationship: trust. After realizing you were lying to her about Santa Clause for years, why on God’s green earth would little Susie ever trust you when you tell her that school is important, or heroin is dangerous, or sex isn’t fun? Because of your lies, little Susie will never trust any system of authority to which she is subject and, should she gain power over others, she will be nothing but a lying, scheming, manipulative, arbitrary tyrant—just like her parents on Christmas.
People blame a lot of things for the moral decline of our society. They blame socio-economic inequality. They blame racism. They blame race. They blame the decline of religion in our lives. They blame the presence of lead in our drinking water. All of these people are entirely wrong. The evil of Christmas is the cause. If we eliminate it, crime rates will go down, moral fiber will increase, faith in government will be restored, and a more peaceful, just society will emerge almost instantaneously from the ashes of our artificial trees.
For the sake of the Republic, Mr. President, you must illegalize Christmas now!
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