6 Reasons to Openly Scorn Halloween

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Everything about this picture hurts me.

 

Halloween is here. Are you dressing up? Of course not. You’re an adult. Halloween is for children. Stupid children. Ugly, unwashed, mongoloid children.

Yet our once great society has become dominated by these whimpering, drooling children. Your company is having a mandatory attendance Halloween party. Your neighbors are covering their bushes with fake spiderwebs. Your friends are all posting pictures of themselves in costumes they squandered hundreds of dollars or dozens of man-hours acquiring. Children dressed as superheroes and ponies and Dr. Who characters are pounding on your door demanding you pay them tribute like they were medieval warlords.

And yet when you politely explain to these people that you, like Gandhi, refuse to participate in this evil, putrid, degrading, paganistic Halloween fascism, they look at you with bewilderment. They say, Why not? Where’s your sense of fun? Where’s your of spirit joy? Where’s your inner child?

Dead. Obviously. Like it should be. But it’s so hard to explain that to people without them getting all sympathetic, and teary-eyed, and insistent on you seeing a therapist.

Thankfully the Union Forever has a few excuses to make even the most evangelical Halloweener leave you the hell alone this October 31st.

1. Remember those people who tried to murder children by sticking razor blades in the treats they passed out on Halloween? They were your parents.

Want to make these delicious instruments of murder at home? Click here for the recipe.

Want to make these delicious instruments of murder at home? Click here for the recipe.

And you only narrowly survived by using one of their high-butane meth lighters to cauterize your mouth.

2. Halloween is illegal in Saudi Arabia under pain of death and you refuse to partake in the holiday until all people of the earth are free to celebrate consumerist holidays largely invented by multi-billion dollar candy corporations.

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It’s true. Or at least it’s true according to a blog post I found arguing in favor of dressing up as Hitler for Halloween because it’ll help you “get laid.”

3. Halloween is a tacit endorsement of the dark art of Necromancy

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Did you learn nothing from Full Metal Alchemist? DID YOU LEARN NOTHING?

Halloween is a festival that celebrates the return of the dead to the world of the living. That is not where the dead belong. Zombies, ghosts, ghouls, vampires, and skeletons are all abominations to the natural order. Especially if they’re sexy Zombies, ghosts, ghouls, vampires, and skeletons. Then you’re straight-up trafficking in necrophilia and should be imprisoned.

4. Halloween derives from the pagan Celtic festival Samhain and the Celts were horrible

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Everyone go buy a coffee table book from Coffee Time Romance so I can feel less bad about stealing the Boudica fan art they probably stole from somewhere else.

Sure, everyone loves the Celts. They had long hair. They had mustaches. They had giant, intricate tattoos. They worshiped nature. They were basically the insufferable hipsters of their day. But did you know they were also huge feminists? It’s true. Celtic women held positions of political power, fought occasionally in wars, and had sex with whomever they liked. Do you really want to spend your day honoring a bunch of SJWs who tried to distract everyone from Rome’s attempts to improve ethics in video game journalism? #Gamergate

5. You’re too busy celebrating Reformation Day

That'll teach 'em.

Inventor of the Listicle.

As the insidious blight of Halloween spread further and further across the previously lilywhite skin of America, Protestants churches started celebrating Reformation Day to honor the anniversary of Martin Luther’s nailing of his 95 Theses to the door of Wittenberg Church on October 31st 1517. Now as we all know, there is no God and life is a nihilistic void preceded by nothing and proceeding onto nothing and in which there is no meaningful inherent difference between committing murder and eating a sandwich. But the Protestant Reformation is still important to celebrate, if only as a way to fly the middle finger to the Papists who hoisted the tyranny of Halloween on us in the first place.

6. And if all that fails, just remind them of life’s one immutable truth: Fun is for Assholes

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