(The Union Forever has a new column! 4 Your Life: Semi Useful Advice where our newest author, a magical horse, will attempt to answer all your deepest darkest questions about life. Think of her as the older, tattooed, world-weary equine sister you never had.)
Dear Answer Horse,
How can I keep from spilling ranch dressing on my electronics?
Thank you for being so brave and speaking up on behalf of everyone that fakes a sinus infection in order to avoid bar hopping with their friends. Sarah will get shit faced way too early and leave crying in an Uber because she saw some dude that has the same puny, patchy beard as her ex-boyfriend. Tina always goes home with a bouncer that she thinks looks like Channing Tatum without Down syndrome, as if that’s supposed to be a good thing. She will leave your ass stranded outside of the Tiki Hole or Rusty Beaver like the bastard that she is. You’ll end up with the consolation prize of blistered feet from shitty Forever 21 heels, a $20 cab ride, and no D. Your friends are failures.
Stay the hell home. Order wings and fried rice from the sketchiest Chinese place in your neighborhood. Uncork that family sized bottle of Hidden Valley. (Someone should make a wine called Hidden Valley that you drink when eating pepperoni slices directly out of the bag, as you try avoid that little bag of silica pellets. DO NOT EAT. I know, Hormel! Damn.) When your food comes, cover ALL of it in ranch while you create an Edgar Allan Poe themed wedding board on Pinterest and then freak the fuck out because you forgot to make it secret. Then you realize it’s 1 AM on a Friday night and you are literally the only person on Pinterest right now.
To answer your question, I tried a couple of different methods to avoid the inevitable ranch drip slip slop. First, I covered my iPad with plastic wrap. Pretty good at first, I still had full functionality of the touch screen. After a few dunks o’ the hoof in dressing, however, the viscous quality of it of stayed glopped on the plastic and made it hard to read the screen.
The second, and more successful technique, is probably a result of watching too many hours of Food Network while trying to give Guy Fieri a stroke via telepathy. I took two paper lunch bags and put one inside the other to create a double layer. I filled the bag with about a half cup of dressing and cut the corner to make a piping bag. This gave me the control to measure out just the right amount of ranch and kept my hands dry and free of pre-diabetes.
Chloe, I hope this helps you feel better about avoiding friendships and exploring the nether regions of your psyche, as falling down the well of the internet tends to reveal things we’d rather not deal with. Please write back and tell us here at the U4E all about your favorite ranch covered items.
The Answer Horse
(Are you in need of the sisterly wisdom of the Answer Horse? Email her at email@example.com. Seriously. She’s ready for whatever crisis you might throw at her.)