(The Union Forever has a new column! 4 Your Life: Semi Useful Advice where our newest author, a magical horse, will attempt to answer all your deepest darkest questions about life. Think of her as the older, tattooed, world-weary equine sister you never had.)
Dear Answer Horse,
I’m a married man with two small children and I’ve been experimenting with online dating apps. I have no intention of cheating on my wife, but I have to admit I’ve become a bit bored lately. Talking to women online has given me validation that I’m still attractive and interesting. Recently I’ve been chatting with a woman that and we’ve really hit it off. She has been hinting that we should meet in person and it’s been hard for me to come up with a reason why we should not. How can I put an end to the relationship and keep myself out of trouble?
The Answer Horse sure likes to hit the slopes, but not this slippery shit you’re crashing down. Did you get shown up by the hipster, artisanal plumber with the tattooed forearms your wife called to fix the tub drain? After all, you only managed to dismantle the faucet and take a bath in the sink for two weeks. Perhaps you overheard her having an erotic dream about Jon Stamos. Watch some Stuart Smalley on YouTube and remind yourself that you’re good enough, smart enough, etc.
The Answer Horse also dislikes it when an individual puts the responsibility of fixing their emotional baggage on the other person in the relationship. It’s unfair and they’ll never be able to read your mind. You say you have no intention of being unfaithful, but your actions say otherwise. A dating app is not owed an explanation. Delete them. If you want to feel attractive, pretend it’s 2005 and go on over to that Hot or Not website and post some outdated pics from college. Sure, you’re going to have to explain that Sugar Ray was totally cool for about thirty seconds and that EVERYONE had a soul patch, but you’re up for the challenge.
Try giving your wife what you feel you’re missing in your marriage. Have you told her lately that you’re attracted to her? Have you told her that you appreciate what she does for your family? Maybe you’re not getting what you need because you’re not reciprocating. Answer Horse would bet all you can eat shrimp scampi from Red Lobster that your wife would be willing to have sex in the back of the mini van if you tell her that she looks beautiful today, even though she has a celery stick filled with peanut butter stuck to her ass. That’s ok, because she’ll overlook the wing sauce spattered on your tie and the twenty pounds you’ve gained since the wedding.
The Answer Horse
(Are you in need of the sisterly wisdom of the Answer Horse? Email her at email@example.com. Seriously. She’s ready for whatever crisis you might throw at her.)