Today, healthy choices are all the rage. Avoid gluten! Avoid flour. Don’t drink and drive. You were born into a first-world country where individual life has value – act like it! Protect your one, most cherished investment and stay healthy.
Of course, it’s difficult enough to navigate your diet and finances to ensure that you will live to die of a terrible incurable debilitating illness at 58. But what about sex and pornography?
Much of America’s prudish health food-industrial complex is too backward and puritanical to even consider the modern implications of the old adage grandmother told you: “You are what you masturbate to.” The U4E is not. We are all sex-positive here.
Pornographic intake is, like so much else in our environment that shapes us, a question of healthy choices. What should you choose? What is appropriate, and what is wrong and sick? What is the healthiest pornography, the ones you and your children and your pets and your friends’ children and pets should be watching or reading every night to build moral and sexual fiber?
Here are our recommended guidelines:
Straight (straight): yes.
Straight (milf): yes.
Straight (casting couch): yes.
Straight (amateur): yes.
Straight (DP): yes.
Straight (TP): no.
Straight (monoracial): yes.
Straight (interracial): yes.
Straight (extraterrestrial): no.
Straight (existential): yes.
Straight (anal): yes.
Straight (oral): yes.
Straight (aural): yes.
Straight (alluvial): yes.
Lesbian (intended for straight men): no.
Lesbian (intended for actual lesbians): yes.
MMM: $165.84 as of last trade.
Transamerica: didn’t watch.
Transatlanticism: grow up.
Hentai (consensual): yes.
Hentai (rape): no.
Hentai (tentacle): no.
Hentai (tentacle-rape): NO!
Vomit play: yes.
Urine play: yes.
Fecal play: yes, but only so long as the fecal matter is of a robust consistency.
Bestiality (livestock): yes.
Bestiality (pets): no.
Bestiality (fish): yes.
Bestiality (tertiary amphibians): yes.
Bestiality (aquatic amphibians): no.
Bestiality (birds, flightless): yes.
Bestiality (birds, flightful): no.
Bear (gay): yes.
Bear (bear): no.
Genital mutilation (men): yes.
Genital mutilation (women): no.
Genital suction: no.
Genital abduction: no.
Children (live-action): no.
Children (animated): Only if made in Japan.
Children (illustrated): Again only if made in Japan.
Clowns: fuck you.
Please review this list thoroughly. If you have any questions about whether your own predilection falls under the acceptable or unacceptable umbrellas, please don’t hesitate to ask. Like your local priest, we are here to serve as your health compass, as your accountant of sexual health in the eyes of a vengeful, degenerate body.