Suicide by Star Wars Apocrypha: Still Yet More SWTOR Shorts

Author: Samantha Wallschlaeger

Medium: Short story

Publication Date: August 17, 2017 on SWTOR.com

Timeline Placement: c. 3,630 BBY

Veesh, Nira, and The New Guy are a commando squad of three Umbarans, pale-skinned bald humanoids, protecting a space train on the planet Umbara. Veesh is trying to scare The New Guy with stories about times he’s almost been killed on the job. Nira chimes in with a story about the time her entire team was killed one by one by an alpha slybex. Nira hid inside the space train’s cargo hold for three days until a rescue team found her, discovering that the entire train was covered by claw marks. That was five years ago and Nira says she’s had to sleep with a nightlight ever since. “We all have scars,” she adds, but not all of them are physical! Suddenly they hear a thud on the roof of the space train as you the player jump aboard with Theron Shan and Lana Beniko to begin the mission Flashpoint: Crisis on Umbara. “Your lucky day, kid,” Nira says to The New Guy. “You’re about to earn your first scar.” I don’t know what happens next but I hope you the player kill them all.

This isn’t bad, just kind of pointless, as is typical for these web shorts. Given their nature as blog entries written to promote some aspect of the game, I guess that’s how they’re intended to be. 2/5 Death Stars.

(Suicide by Star Wars Apocrypha is a foolish attempt to examine the entirety of the now decanonized Star Wars Expanded Universe and quantify its assorted artistic merits. Read the introduction. Check out the archives.)

Suicide by Star Wars Apocrypha: More SWTOR Shorts

Author: Courtney Woods

Medium: Short story

Publication Date: February 13, 2015 on SWTOR.com

Timeline Placement: c. 3,638 BBY

“Theron Shan sat shackled to a jukebox in one of the backrooms of the Dealer’s Den.” Oh boy, here we go.

Jonas Balkar, the Republic intelligence operative from a previous one of these shorts, has invited Theron Shan to go out drinking at a bar called the Dealer’s Den. While Jonas is passed out on the table, Theron is accused of cheating at cards by a Twi’lek woman named Lylos Tannon and hauled into the back room by the bouncer, a Houk named Bolgm. They tell him that they’re going to cut his cybernetic implants out of his face and sell them on the black market. The buyer, a man named Doctor Zeke (Zeke is a doctor, but doctor is spelled out in full every time he’s called Doctor Zeke, so I assume Doctor is his first name as well as his profession), comes in to inspect the merchandise, but Lylos reveals that she works for Coruscant Security and was working with Jonas to bring down this operation. Dr. Doctor Zeke is taken into custody, and Theron, Jonas, and Lylos go out drinking.

This reads a bit more like an actual story than most of these shorts, which have mostly just been slice-of-life vignettes. This one has an actual plot and structure. A pointless plot, sure, but less pointless than so much of the other crap we’ve read.

The most interesting thing about this story was this unremarked-on throwaway line: “Things were moving fast since Revan’s defeat on Yavin 4.” For a minute I was like “wait, what?” then I remembered that these stories have no meaning to anyone who hasn’t played the MMO and its expansions and there was a whole story arc where Revan escaped from the Sith Emperor’s Brain Jail and turned evil again but really he was physically split into like a good Revan and a bad Revan, then he died, and Jesus Christ, KotOR, I’m so sorry for what they’ve done to you. Two of the most popular and beloved Star Wars games of all time, and all the spinoffs and tie-ins go to an MMO no one wanted that undoes everything from those games and prevents them from ever getting a true sequel. Well I guess the sale of Lucasfilm and discontinuation of the Expanded Universe would have done that anyway. RIP, KotOR (2003–2004).

Anyway 2/5 Death Stars, no one cares.

(Suicide by Star Wars Apocrypha is a foolish attempt to examine the entirety of the now decanonized Star Wars Expanded Universe and quantify its assorted artistic merits. Read the introduction. Check out the archives.)

Continue reading