Suicide by Star Wars Apocrypha: Female Protagonists of the Old Republic

Smuggler's Vanguard

Author: Robert Chestney

Medium: Short story

Publication Date: March 2010 on StarWars.com (republished on Unbound Worlds)

Timeline Placement: 3,660 BBY

Series: The Old Republic

Today on Suicide by Star Wars Apocrypha, we’re looking at a pair of short stories about two female NPCs from Star Wars: The Old Republic, BioWare’s World of Warcraft clone that ruined the Old Republic era forever.

The first stars Hylo Visz, a sexy green-skinned smuggler chick delivering an illegal shipment of prototype ion drives to the Rendili Vehicle Corporation for her employer, Barrga the Hutt. Hylo is superstitious to the point of being mentally infirm, so when the hyperdrive generator on her crappy ship stops working during the delivery, she begins freaking out and tries to abandon the assignment. Barrga’s tagalong enforcers beat her up and take over her ship, completing the delivery and leaving her behind when they take off with their payment. But it turns out that they were paid in bombs, and Hylo-Vision Eye Drops’ ship explodes as soon as it’s in the air.

Hylo sneaks into the Rendili facility and disguises herself as a mechanic. She discovers that the facility is about to perform a test flight for a new model of starfighter designed specifically for the Jedi Order, the high-speed Vanguard corvette. She decides to steal the ship and use it to escape the planet, but her grand theft starship is interrupted when the worst Jedi Knight in the world enters the fighter. Hylo hits him in the face with her welding mask, immediately knocking him unconscious. She contemplates murdering him in cold blood, but decides this will probably bring her bad luck and elects to just throw him off the ship instead.

She takes off in the Vanguard and sets course for the Hutt moon of Nar Shaddaa, trying to think of a way to explain to her boss what happened, when she realizes that Barrga the Hutt probably thinks she’s dead and she can go anywhere she wants. So she does. The end.

This short story is pretty long for having so little happen in it. There are one or two somewhat suspenseful moments but mostly it’s boring and not very engagingly written. Also at one point the author wrote “bold-faced lies” instead of “bald-faces lies,” which makes this story terrible.

1.5/5 Death Stars.

sw40.1

Hylo-Vision HD Plus Eye Drops provide immediate relief and refreshing for tired eyes and redness from dry air, contact lenses, allergies, chlorinated water from swimming pools, etc.

(Suicide by Star Wars Apocrypha is a foolish attempt to examine the entirety of the now decanonized Star Wars Expanded Universe and quantify its assorted artistic merits. Read the introduction. Check out the archives.)