Suicide by Star Wars Apocrypha: A Previous Hope


Medium: Cinematic trailer

Publication Date: June 2010

Timeline Placement: 3,667 BBY

On the planet Alderaan, a platoon of Republic soldiers wearing what is clearly clone trooper armor that shouldn’t be invented for another 3,600 years faces off against an invading battalion of Sith warriors and what are clearly destroyer droids led by Darth Malgus. Jace Malcom, the trooper we previously saw in the Return trailer, shoots Malgus in the face with a BFG, slightly burning one side of his jaw, but he is quickly overwhelmed by the Sith Lord’s Force lightning. Things look bleak for the Republic soldiers when suddenly Satele Shan arrives and starts kicking everyone’s ass in bullet time. She and Malgus duel but Malgus is too powerful for her. He destroys her double-bladed lightsaber and is about to impale her but she’s able to use the Force to catch his lightsaber blade with her bare hands. While Malgus is distracted by how awesome this is, Jace Malcom tackles him and tries to take down a Lord of the Sith in a punching contest. Malgus is like “Dude wtf are you doing?” and Malcom detonates a grenade six inches in front of their faces.

Rather than killing either of them, all this does is blacken both their faces like a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Malgus gets back to his feet but Satele Force-pushes him into the side of a cliff and collapses a mountain on top of him, so I guess he loses on a technicality. The Republic troopers shoot flares into the air all across the planet, signalling the Republic fleet arriving in orbit that they’ve somehow held off the invasion by beating one guy. Malcom solemnly intones in a voice-over that the courage they’ve shown here will ignite a spark of hope across the galaxy.

It’s hard to give a fair rating to these trailers because there’s virtually no story in any of them, they’re just showcases for sweet action scenes. But in that regard this was pretty awesome so 2.5/5 Death Stars for making everyone wish Lucasfilm had made an animated series out of this instead of the freaking Clone Wars again.

Ow my skin

Ow my skin

(Suicide by Star Wars Apocrypha is a foolish attempt to examine the entirety of the now decanonized Star Wars Expanded Universe and quantify its assorted artistic merits. Read the introduction. Check out the archives.)