Suicide by Star Wars Apocrypha: Return of the Sith


Medium: Cinematic trailer

Publication Date: June 2011

Timeline Placement: 3,681 BBY

“Oh God,” you say to yourself, “he’s reviewing trailers now?” Well, the trailers for Star Wars: The Old Republic are somewhat of a special case. They’re more akin to animated short films than regular trailers, depicting important events from the game’s back story that are otherwise relegated to exposition and inference. Still, there’s only so much you can say about a five-minute cartoon of wizards fighting with laserswords.

We find ourselves once again at Korriban, homeworld of the Sith and most evil planet in the galaxy. Jedi Master Kao Cen Darach is there with his apprentice Satele Shan, a descendant of Bastila Shan and Revan, to arrest smuggler Nico Okarr for being a Han Solo ripoff. Suddenly, a fleet of warships that look uncannily like Imperial Star Destroyers drops out of hyperspace and begins attacking the Republic outpost. “The Sith Empire has returned!” Cow Ken Derecha exclaims, which you might think is a hell of an assumption to make, assuming that he should have no idea there is even such a thing as the Sith Empire anymore, if you didn’t know that Sith forces had already engaged the Republic fleet in another sector of the galaxy to lure them away from Korriban. I didn’t know that until I looked it up; now I wonder why Ken Jennings was wasting his time prosecuting petty criminals when the galaxy was under attack.

There is a lot of shooting and explosions and then two Sith Lords appear: Vindican, a Red Sith, and his apprentice, Darth Malgus, a bald albino. Ta-Taka-Ki-Kek sacrifices himself so Not Bastila and Definitely Not Han Solo can escape with Most Assuredly Not R2-D2 Or T3-M4 and No Way Is That A Clone Trooper aboard the Absolutely Not Millennium Falcon, striking down Vindican before being slain himself by Malgus. Vindican watches in triumph as the Sith fleet reclaims his ancestral birthplace, to which Malgus derisively comments, “Welcome home,” and then cuts his master’s head off.

Undoubtedly one of the most narratively complex and thematically resonant stories we’ve experienced so far. Looks cool though, 2/5 Death Stars.

(Suicide by Star Wars Apocrypha is a foolish attempt to examine the entirety of the now decanonized Star Wars Expanded Universe and quantify its assorted artistic merits. Read the introduction. Check out the archives.)

  • DarthYan

    Vitiate’s finally dead for good. You kill him in Eternal Throne.