Suicide by Star Wars Apocrypha General Update: I Suck at Video Games


“Savior, conqueror, hero, villain. You are all things, Revan . . . and yet you are nothing. In the end you belong to neither the light nor the darkness. You will forever stand alone.”

Hello again, Constant Readers, by which I mean Disqus commenter DarthYan, and welcome to another installment of Suicide by Star Wars Apocrypha, the only erratically updated Web review series of the entire Star Wars Expanded Universe, besides all the other ones. I stated in the Introduction way back when that I wasn’t going to do video game reviews, because I don’t really care about ethics in gaming journalism, but I had intended to replay both Knights of the Old Republic games and talk about their contributions to EU lore and how well (or not) they fit with the stories that came after them. As RPGs, they’re the most story-centric Star Wars games, not to mention the most significant in terms of lore and plot. But, as it turns out, 100-percenting an RPG when you only have a few hours at a time to get into it can take a lot longer than you’d think. Play all the video games you can now, kids, because being an adult is a fucking chore.


“Perhaps you were expecting some surprise, for me to reveal a secret that had eluded you, something that would change your perspective of events, shatter you to your core. There is no great revelation, no great secret. There is only you.”

Fortunately, the sweet embrace of death waits for us all, and what could be a better use of our limited time than continuing our lackluster trek through a fictional universe that’s no longer true even within its own nonexistent world? I’ve had the urge to get this project going again and don’t feel like waiting another six months to get through the second third of the first game, so we’re going to scrap that plan and go ahead with my original intention to skip video games. Whenever I get around to finishing the games I’ll go back and write up my thoughts about them and how they hold up after 13 years. Probably. Maybe.


“You discern a fraction of reality. Beyond these stars exist other galaxies, other worlds, other beings. I will experience or ignore them as I wish. I will spend eternity becoming everything: a farmer, an artist, a simple man. When the last living thing in the universe finally dies, I will enjoy peace and wait for the cycle to begin again.”

The Old Republic is another matter. BioWare has called it “Knights of the Old Republic 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12-plus,” which of course is marketing bullshit. A lot of fans like to piss on TOR for ruining the possibility of ever getting a real KotOR III, and I understand that, but really the game looks pretty fun and the only person I know who’s played it had a good time. But if I’m too lazy to finish two 40-hour single-player games, you can bet your sweet bippy I’m not level-grinding and fetch-questing my way through a potentially infinitely long MMO anytime soon. That’s what Wookieepedia and YouTube are for, I guess. That and complaining about both social justice warriors and people who complain about social justice warriors, because everything is the worst thing.

Anyway, here’s the stupid video for the stupid war in this stupid game. I’ve avoided putting any KotOR spoilers in these reviews so far because the games are awesome and deserve to be played without already knowing every twist and turn that’s going to happen, but we can’t avoid it anymore, so MASSIVE SPOILER ALERT from here on out.