Suicide by Star Wars Apocrypha: Zayne Carrick Lives—and so Does Our Bad Luck!

Meditations

We’ve now reached the end of the Knights of the Old Republic series. After 56 comic issues and three short stories, the story of Zayne Carrick, Marn Hierogryph, “the fierce warrior woman” Jarael, and all their wacky friends is at an end. So was the journey worth all the time it took? In a word, yes. Like I said way back in my review of the first arc of the series, Commencement, John Jackson Miller’s Knights of the Old Republic is a pretty good Star Wars comic overall, so there’s only so much to snark about.

Most complaints I have about this series involve downturns in the artwork, contradictions and inconsistencies with the videogames, and the occasional boring subplot. And also, I guess, not knowing where to stop (see the previous page). Taken as a whole, however, this series probably stands as one of the EU’s best, if not at being literature then at being Star Wars. It’s a distinction that will become clearer the farther down the rabbit hole we find ourselves.

FlashpointDays of Fear, Knights of SufferingVindication, and Demon all stick out in my mind as fantastic arcs, while  Commencement,  Homecoming,  Exalted, Turnabout,  Faithful Execution,  and Destroyer are all quality additions as well. The space slug subplot, Vector, and the first half of the Crucible arc are the major low points, but despite all the criticisms I’ve made along the way, if you’re looking for light-hearted adventures with fun characters set in one of the coolest eras of the Star Wars universe, you really can’t go wrong with this series. Just stop reading before you get to War; it is not worth it.

But now that the series is done, and ended on a less conclusive and satisfactory note than we might have hoped, what became of that diverse cast of memorable characters we got to know over those 56 issues and three (well, at least two) short stories?

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Saul Karath and Dallan Morvis were eventually married, but their partnership ended prematurely after Morvis shaved his mustache and Karath not only failed to notice, but, when pressed, insisted that Morvis had never even had a mustache to begin with.

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Cassus Fett sparred with Revan and Malak at the Battle of Jaga’s Cluster, where he murdered a Republic fleet captain in hand-to-hand combat and became the most wanted man in the galaxy for consistently wearing battle armor that looked nothing like the armor he was famous for.

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After being placed on academic probation following complaints of wanton destruction of property and inappropriate sexual conduct, Mandalore the Ultimate and the bros of Sigma Chi decided to throw one last LAN party before they were kicked off campus. He eventually met his end at Malachor V in a tragic accident with a beerzooka.

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Shel Jelavan continued to serve as Senator Goravvus’s intern until allegations of misconduct put a premature end to his political career. Shel became a pop culture celebrity due to her role in the scandal but eventually retired from the public spotlight to design her own line of handbags.

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Dr. Gorman Vandrayk continued living among the space slugs, and was eventually crowned their king. The ceremony was somewhat confusing due to the space slugs’ lack of hands, crowns, language, and any concept of formal society. He never went camping a day in his life.

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T1-LB moved into the basement of Goodvalor’s Little Bivoli, where he sat staring morosely at the same spot on the floor until all his friends forgot he was alive. He’d never been happier.

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Rohlan Dyre kept his promise to Cassus Fett and did not reveal that “the Questioner” was still alive and well. He refused to abandon his investigation into the origin of the Mandalorian Wars, however, and eventually uncovered the truth: that all along Mandalore the Ultimate had been a pawn of EA Games used to promote their upcoming MMO. He currently appears as Vic Sage at conventions.

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Demagol is fucking dead.

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Irritated at not being being asked to return for the series’ second story arc, Del and Dob Moomo embarked on a galaxy-wide shooting rampage that killed no one. Satisfied that they’d made their point, they returned to their life of bounty hunting aboard the Moomo Williwaw, their reputations improbably better than ever. Del is the proud father of twelve bombs, all of them named Brabwa.

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Slyssk became an Internet meme and parlayed his newfound fame into a reality dating show on VH1. Called Scales of Love, it was canceled after only one season when some ancestral instinct in his reptilian forebrain overrode his gentle nature and caused him to devour the winning contestant live on camera. He currently stars in the reality cooking competition Hell’s Kitchen on Fox.

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Marn “Gryph” Hierogryph, alias Baron Hieromarn, Remulus Horne, Professor Gryphomarn, Donald J. Trump, and Bulgryph Mandrake, continued to manage his restaurant franchise until it became apparent that he had no idea what he was doing. Goodvalor’s was eventually shut down for 170,000 health code violations, but by that point Gryph had already made his fortune and retired to operate a men’s clothing warehouse and party costume emporium. One of his aliases has been named the richest sentient being in the galaxy by Space Forbes every year since.

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Zayne and Jarael went on to have many more misadventures together, beginning with Zayne’s desertion from the Republic Navy when Captain Dallan Morvis was driven mad by his crew’s insistence that he had never had a mustache. Each new adventure somehow seemed to involve Jarael dressing in slutty costumes and getting kidnapped by crazed stalkers, while Zayne saved the day by flailing around being ineffectual and getting beaten up. In essence, they were the perfect couple, and they lived happily ever after (more or less), until the end of their days.

And of course Malak and Carth Onasi kept very, very busy. But that’s another story.

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  • DarthYan

    are we ever gonna get a sequel to this? Because there’s a lot of apocrypha