Suicide by Star Wars Apocrypha: More SWTOR Shorts


Author: Courtney Woods

Medium: Short story

Publication Date: July 7, 2015 on

Timeline Placement: c. 3,638 BBY

It’s been 43 years in-universe since we were introduced to Nico Okarr, the Han Solo ripoff who helped a teenage Satele Shan escape from Darth Malgus when the Sith retook Korriban. He hasn’t shown up since then . . . until now!

Nico Okarr is lounging in the back of some dive called the Sarlacc and Loaded when a rich nobleman named Seamus Kaldo approaches and offers to hire him to apprehend that no-good infamous smuggler Nico Okarr. Nico reveals his identity and asks for his payment. Seamus protests that Nico is too young to be a guy who should be in his seventies, because apparently he looks exactly the same as he did in the trailer that introduced him. I checked Wookieepedia and apparently it’s never explained why he doesn’t age, a line of dialogue in the MMO just gives some offhand reference to a Sith artifact he found. I guess they just really loved this character and wanted to put him into the game without being hampered by little details like “temporal consistency.”

Seamus and his manservant, Vhonu, fly into a rage and demand recompense for the engine schematics Nico stole from the Kaldo family. They try to capture him but Nico drops them both, then rifles through Seamus’s pockets and takes the money he was promised. “Sorry for the mess,” he tells the bartender, flipping him a coin, because they’re not even bothering to pretend he’s not Han Solo. Nico Okarr goes outside and says to no one, “Guess vacation’s over.”

Fuck this. 0.5/5 Death Stars.