Liable Parties

Dear sir, madam, or _______,

Has the Union Forever offended you? Insulted you? Lied about you? Threatened the life of your favorite pet?  Actually carried out that threat? Burned your village? Pillaged your nation? Exploited your labor, friendship, or naiveté?

If so, then these are the parties you’ll want to sue into darkest oblivion:

Jefferson Funeste

Pluripotent Panoptical Persuader Plenipotentiary

“Jeff Eff,” a regular contributor and co-founder of the Union Forever, is a 43-year-old serial cereal abuser and pervert. Jeff decided to make internet writing cash because it was the only job, other than being George W. Bush, that let him make money and still have 50 hours a week to spend playing D&D with neo-Nazis. So far, he has saved enough dough to buy two (2) flashlights and a (1) maid outfit. He lives in Denver, Colorado, a city so arid that his dwelling, built entirely of Rei Ayanami body pillows, does not mold.

Currently playing: The Elder Foals 2 Jaggerstall, Avatar the Lost Marsender, Mac Zickerthorn’s Farceblog Farmzone, Ray Bradbury‏

Bryant Davis

Supreme Editorissimo, Consistently Vanquished Literatician, Conqueror of the British Empire in Pennsylvania

Bryant Davis grew up between a cornfield and a forest outside Townville, Pennsylvania (population 300). Eventually he escaped there to move to the golden promised land of Northern Indiana where he found work first as a student, then as a writing fellow, and then finally as an internet listicle writer. This last career move was one of the most despairing of his life. Worse than all the plastic factories he worked in back home. Worse than all the aluminum foundaries where he ground knobs until his hands bled. But it gave him an idea. If Buzzfeed and Gawker and Viralnova can get rich writing nonsense on the internet, why can’t he and his asshole friends and get rich too? On such lazy ambitions the Union Forever was born. By such lazy ambitions will it probably promptly die.

Currently drowning in: The Years of Lyndon Johnson, corn, the St. Joseph River, an awful novella about model trains, a second awful novella about boy fascists, a third awful novella about a dying cat, his own mediocrity as a human being.

Follow him on Twitter here.

Grace Wilson

Grace Wilson was born in a rainwater gutter in the shadow of Edinburgh Castle. As a babe she feasted on the thrown away garbage of drunken tourists from the Midlands. As a girl she made her first inks by boiling vomit with Buckfast and nosebleed blood.  In her twenties she was exiled three times to Sweden, Taiwan, and the cesspools of London for her general degeneracy and involvement in non-violent terrorism. Her yellow hair, it is said, is a beacon to lost Highland ghosts. Her comics, it is said, are like gentle, loving kicks, in the stomach, in the dark.

You can follow all her art, not just the stuff we post here, on her website.

Frank Przewonsky

Token Embittered Nerd

Frank Przewonsky is a freelance writer and amateur pog collector from Northwestern Pennsylvania. A regular contributor to the Union Forever, he frequently writes on themes of crushing desperation and toxic nostalgia, seen most prominently in his articles on the Star Wars Expanded Universe and ’90s children’s media. When not writing lowbrow clickbait for the Internet, he also writes fiction and fails at finishing videogames. He has two cats and way too many VHS tapes.

Longhand

Stakhanovite Hero of Video Games Graphic Journalism

109.5: The total days worth of video games Longhand has played between January 11, 2009 and September 17, 2014.

 1: The total number of serious, full time jobs Longhand has held down for more than three months since graduating from college.

 $57,000: The total loan debt Longhand has accrued during graduate school.

 100: The percentage of your friends you should tell to click on Super Game Facts so that Longhand can continue to eat.

Follow his rare inscrutable Tweets here.

The Answer Horse

Equestrian Advice Columnist

The Answer Horse was born in the manger of a Midwestern town, under starlight and strip mall glow signs. She was nourished on gas station cappuccinos while riding shot gun in her best friend’s red Chrysler Le Baron, driving hard toward county roads with haunted bridges. She was conjured by a combo of MTV Cribs, VC Andrews books, and cheese filled soft pretzels. Her tattoos were inspired by a cacophony of Britney Spears, factory noise, and hemp necklaces. The Answer Horse can help you because she’s already committed heartbreaking social atrocities. She drinks just enough grain alcohol to give you the unfiltered guidance you need before you do a line of coke with your junior high gym teacher.

Lindsay Herko

Emperor of All Things Pop, Synthesizer of Moon Shadow Images, Somersaulter of Ghosts Through Juice

Lindsay Herko’s childhood was steeped in speed boats, pop songs and epistles, may the result be Pop Soppins. With the seriousness of Oliver Sacks and the lack of shame of Charro….Pop Soppins may ask, why do all the songs lately have planetarium beats? Is PJ Harvey the new best choice to play Abraham Lincoln in a movie? Which Fleetwood Mac song matches the blouse of Margaret Atwood? Who is winning this moon month in the Yanni versus Raffi competition for the best autobiography? All are asked sincerely, from an imagination and investigator who admits to being afraid of Phil Collin’s “In the Air Tonight”, Enigma’s “Sadeness” and the bridge of “I’ll Stop the World and Melt with You” as a seven year old listening to summer bedtime radio.

Follow her on Twitter.

Beth Towle

Staff Writer, America’s Foremost Teen Wolf Scholar, Part-Time Dolphin Wrangler

Beth Towle is an Indiana native and lifer.  For many years of her life, she was a fiction writer.  Then she became a poet and got her MFA in creative writing from the University of Notre Dame. Poetry is nice, but also sad and poverty-inducing.  So now she is in the lucrative business of being a PhD student in the Rhetoric and Composition program at Purdue University.  When not doing school-related things, she spends large amounts of time watching Teen Wolf, following Teen Wolf tumblrs, making MS Paint Art for Teen Wolf, and writing about Teen Wolf.  Also: lots and lots of fan fics, both about Teen Wolf and not about Teen Wolf.

Currently reading: Any and all superhero comics that feature bisexual characters, YA books where young teenage boys die young and tragic, and bittersweet feminist poetry.

Follow her on Twitter here. Explore her Tumblr Microsoft Paint Hero here. Read her blog about being a 1st generation graduate student here. And, last but not least, salivate over her literary criticism at the U4E’s lit crit brother in arms, the Actuary.