Dr. Hire's Super Life Hacks: How Do I Last Longer in Bed?

Dear Dr. Hire,

          I am what you might call a Minute Man. I always come waaaay too early, and it leaves my woman dissatisfied. I love her and I want nothing more in this life than to give her sexual satisfaction. If I fail in this most basic of tasks, I believe that I have little to no right to continue possessing my testicles and must ritualistically remove them with all due pomp and circumstance. What can I do to avoid premature ejaculation?

                                                ~ 2Excited in Brooklyn

Well, 2Excited, let me tell you what my father told me. “Looky here, son. You gotta find that special place in your head that numbs your dick and keeps the baby batter inside. Otherwise, you’ll end up with some goddamn leach-ass bloodsucking children like, like I have. And you don’t want no part of that, do you, son?” Then he spun the cylinder of his sparsely loaded revolver.

Every man has a repertoire of things to think about to keep from popping before his girl does (at least, the men who give a shit do), but the trick is keeping it in without deflating his wood. The standard is baseball stats. Ooooooh, and Santo McPuertoRico has delivered OOOOOOOH a .353 batting season and AAAAAAAAGH a golden glove…

Here’s what I think about:

Mundane plans. Tum-de-tum, what do I do tonight? I think I’ll fix up my sock drawer, clean the toilet, go grocery shopping, eat six peanuts, drink a glass of water, inhale and exhale exactly thirty-five times, count the stairs, do a lap around the neighborhood, clip my nose hair, read the newspaper, put my glasses on, take them off, iron my pants…

Family. Nothing keeps the ol’ juice bottled up like pretending my parents are watching me go at it. It has to be my parents, too. Sisters, brothers, aunts, cousins, I could deal with. Parents, nope. They have to have a real disapproving look on their face too. They look at me through squinty eyes and say, “You know how this family feels about you, son. You blew it. You could’a been someone. But now you’re just another irresponsible whoremonger, not worth the price of a McDonald’s training manual, let alone college tuition.” Meanwhile, my mother sits beside him and weeps.

Horrifying shit. Piles of Holocaust victims. The last Jew of Vinnitsa taking one in the head. A small kitten being crushed by a car. That NHL goalie who had his throat slit on the ice. Being drawn and quartered. Comfort women. A weeping Palestinian holding their mutilated infant. Breast implant surgery. Intestines erupting from a power lifter’s asshole. Putrefaction. Third trimester abortions.

Well, 2Excited, there you have it! Try some of those things and see if they work. If any of you readers have any good methods to share, let me know.

 

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