The 2016 Presidential Candidates Reimagined as Dog Catchers


Marx Brothers

There is an old cliché in American politics that goes more or less like this: “I wouldn’t vote for [Candidate] to be dog catcher!” The subtext of this cliché is, of course, that a particular presidential candidate is so distasteful, so ripe with incompetence that even the lowest rung of American elective office would be beyond their meager powers of governance. Classic damnation by hyperbole.

But how would our current crop of Presidential candidates fair if actually tasked with catching dogs?

Only the Union Forever dares to consider.

 

Donald Trump

Donald Trump

Would catch a significantly below average number of dogs. Would then stand in front of the dog catcher’s office screaming at passersby about how he was the greatest dog catcher who ever lived. A surprising number of people will believe his boasts and build him a golden statue. Everyone, including Trump, will then stand around the statue and look up in wonder. Meanwhile dogs will escape, rob several banks, and abscond to Canada.

Marco Rubio

Official Portrait

Would devote all of his time and resources to catching Chihuahuas. Would catch zero Chihuahuas. Will eventually be devoured in his own bed by a pack of Chihuahuas.

Ben Carson

Ben Carson

Wouldn’t catch dogs. Would instead lecture stray dogs on the immorality of their lifestyles, encouraging them to find Jesus. Those dogs susceptible to his persuasion, he would then lure back to his office where he would use them for reckless medical experiments. Sowing similarly colored dogs together like Siamese twins. Dog centipedes. Dog brain swaps. Will be consistently re-elected but later known to posterity as the “Mengele of Dogs.”

Bernie Sanders

Sanders-021507-18335- 0004

Will catch a few dogs. But then, while imprisoning said dogs, will begin to wonder if it is the fault of the dogs that they are strays or the fault of society. Will decide on society as animals can only follow their instincts. Will develop comprehensive but expensive plan to prevent dogs from becoming strays in the first place. Plan will die in city council committee. Feeling guilty, he will then release the imprisoned dogs back into the wild with a new suit, fifty dollars, and a copy of Thomas Piketty’s Capital in the 21st Century. The dogs will be immediately hit by a bus.

Ted Cruz

At the 2013 Values Voter Summit.

Would refuse to catch dogs on account of stray dogs being “harder working” and “smarter” than “lazy” registered dogs. Will instead spend the entire dog catching budget on slabs of meat which he will distribute to the stray dogs each night out of the back of a pick-up truck. Stray dogs will grow so big and numerous that they suppliant human civilization. Doglords will name their first Mars colony “Cruztopia” in his honor. Every dog in Cruztopia will be killed by ghosts.

Jeb Bush

Jeb Bush

Would catch an average number of dogs but be unable to make anyone care. Will be occasionally pelted with eggs by people who confuse him with his brother. Will cry himself to sleep each night cursing God. No one, not even his children, will remember he was ever alive.

Chris Christie

Chris Christie

Would drive around town in the dog catching van blaring Bruce Springsteen. Will have moderate success until dogs learn to flee at the sound of the Boss. Christie will try to chase them but prove too slow. His dog catching administration will sink into despondency. Will try to save himself from the jaws of oblivion by running for mayor but only humiliate himself. Will eventually take to drinking and yelling at his TV.

John Kasich

John Kasich

Would catch an impressive number of dogs. Having significantly curbed the stray dog problem, he will then devote himself to establishing an equally efficient city wide gestapo devoted to ensuring that dog owners didn’t violate “God’s Will” by spaying or neutering their dogs. “If dogs don’t want to get pregnant,” he will say in a speech broadcasted citywide, “then dogs shouldn’t have sex.” Dogs will continue to have sex. Dog population will increase exponentially. People will start abandoning their pet’s unwanted puppies in the streets. Stray dog population will increase exponentially. Dog catching gestapo will become overmatched by sheer numbers. Will eventually die smothered by an earth-encompassing pile of dogs. His last words will be a choking, mumbled “eli eli lama sabachthani.”

Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton

Will catch dogs but will also obscure the record so as to make it impossible to know exactly how many dogs. Still the streets will seem cleaner. Eventually, though, the corpses of dogs will start turning up in the river. When questioned Clinton will deny any responsibility. It will be difficult to ascertain whether or not she is telling the truth. Rumors will begin to spread among the local children that the chicken nuggets at the school cafeteria are actually “dog nuggets.” Panic will set in. Rioters will swarm the grocery stores demanding proof that their steaks are angus and not labradoodle. Meanwhile, a local corporation will make a minor fortune selling a thermometer-like apparatus that purports to determine whether a given meat is “dog” or “not dog.” It will later be discovered that Clinton is a significant shareholder in the company. Still after doing a careful cost-benefit analysis, the electorate will choose to retain her in office.

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