How Can I Keep From Spilling Ranch Dressing On My Electronic Devices?

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(The Union Forever has a new column! 4 Your Life: Semi Useful Advice where our newest author, a magical horse, will attempt to answer all your deepest darkest questions about life. Think of her as the older, tattooed, world-weary equine sister you never had.)

Dear Answer Horse,

How can I keep from spilling ranch dressing on my electronics?

-Chloe Totten

Indianapolis, Indiana

Dearest Chloe,

Thank you for being so brave and speaking up on behalf of everyone that fakes a sinus infection in order to avoid bar hopping with their friends. Sarah will get shit faced way too early and leave crying in an Uber because she saw some dude that has the same puny, patchy beard as her ex-boyfriend. Tina always goes home with a bouncer that she thinks looks like Channing Tatum without Down syndrome, as if that’s supposed to be a good thing. She will leave your ass stranded outside of the Tiki Hole or Rusty Beaver like the bastard that she is. You’ll end up with the consolation prize of blistered feet from shitty Forever 21 heels, a $20 cab ride, and no D. Your friends are failures.

Stay the hell home. Order wings and fried rice from the sketchiest Chinese place in your neighborhood. Uncork that family sized bottle of Hidden Valley. (Someone should make a wine called Hidden Valley that you drink when eating pepperoni slices directly out of the bag, as you try avoid that little bag of silica pellets. DO NOT EAT. I know, Hormel! Damn.) When your food comes, cover ALL of it in ranch while you create an Edgar Allan Poe themed wedding board on Pinterest and then freak the fuck out because you forgot to make it secret. Then you realize it’s 1 AM on a Friday night and you are literally the only person on Pinterest right now.

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To answer your question, I tried a couple of different methods to avoid the inevitable ranch drip slip slop. First, I covered my iPad with plastic wrap. Pretty good at first, I still had full functionality of the touch screen. After a few dunks o’ the hoof in dressing, however, the viscous quality of it of stayed glopped on the plastic and made it hard to read the screen.

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The second, and more successful technique, is probably a result of watching too many hours of Food Network while trying to give Guy Fieri a stroke via telepathy. I took two paper lunch bags and put one inside the other to create a double layer. I filled the bag with about a half cup of dressing and cut the corner to make a piping bag. This gave me the control to measure out just the right amount of ranch and kept my hands dry and free of pre-diabetes.

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Chloe, I hope this helps you feel better about avoiding friendships and exploring the nether regions of your psyche, as falling down the well of the internet tends to reveal things we’d rather not deal with. Please write back and tell us here at the U4E all about your favorite ranch covered items.

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XOXO,

The Answer Horse

(Are you in need of the sisterly wisdom of the Answer Horse? Email her at answerhorseu4e@gmail.com. Seriously. She’s ready for whatever crisis you might throw at her.)

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Is It A Good Idea To Use Dating Apps Behind My Wife’s Back?

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(The Union Forever has a new column! 4 Your Life: Semi Useful Advice where our newest author, a magical horse, will attempt to answer all your deepest darkest questions about life. Think of her as the older, tattooed, world-weary equine sister you never had.)

Dear Answer Horse,

I’m a married man with two small children and I’ve been experimenting with online dating apps. I have no intention of cheating on my wife, but I have to admit I’ve become a bit bored lately. Talking to women online has given me validation that I’m still attractive and interesting. Recently I’ve been chatting with a woman that and we’ve really hit it off. She has been hinting that we should meet in person and it’s been hard for me to come up with a reason why we should not. How can I put an end to the relationship and keep myself out of trouble?

Sincerely,

Phil Anderer

Dear Phil,

The Answer Horse sure likes to hit the slopes, but not this slippery shit you’re crashing down. Did you get shown up by the hipster, artisanal plumber with the tattooed forearms your wife called to fix the tub drain? After all, you only managed to dismantle the faucet and take a bath in the sink for two weeks. Perhaps you overheard her having an erotic dream about Jon Stamos. Watch some Stuart Smalley on YouTube and remind yourself that you’re good enough, smart enough, etc.

The Answer Horse also dislikes it when an individual puts the responsibility of fixing their emotional baggage on the other person in the relationship. It’s unfair and they’ll never be able to read your mind. You say you have no intention of being unfaithful, but your actions say otherwise. A dating app is not owed an explanation. Delete them. If you want to feel attractive, pretend it’s 2005 and go on over to that Hot or Not website and post some outdated pics from college. Sure, you’re going to have to explain that Sugar Ray was totally cool for about thirty seconds and that EVERYONE had a soul patch, but you’re up for the challenge.

Try giving your wife what you feel you’re missing in your marriage. Have you told her lately that you’re attracted to her? Have you told her that you appreciate what she does for your family? Maybe you’re not getting what you need because you’re not reciprocating. Answer Horse would bet all you can eat shrimp scampi from Red Lobster that your wife would be willing to have sex in the back of the mini van if you tell her that she looks beautiful today, even though she has a celery stick filled with peanut butter stuck to her ass. That’s ok, because she’ll overlook the wing sauce spattered on your tie and the twenty pounds you’ve gained since the wedding.

Sincerely,

The Answer Horse

(Are you in need of the sisterly wisdom of the Answer Horse? Email her at answerhorseu4e@gmail.com. Seriously. She’s ready for whatever crisis you might throw at her.)

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How Can I Get My Supervisor to Respect my Wicca Beliefs?

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(The Union Forever has a new column! 4 Your Life: Semi Useful Advice where our newest author, a magical horse, will attempt to answer all your deepest darkest questions about life. Think of her as the older, tattooed, world-weary equine sister you never had.)

Dear Answer Horse,

I am a practicing Wiccan. Recently, I made an altar to display in the convenience store where I work but my supervisor has asked me to remove it. How can I get my boss to understand that this is an expression of religious freedom?

Thanks,
Stuck between a Crystal and a Hard Place

Dear Crystal,

Wiccan? WEIRDO!

Just kidding. My stablemate in college was a pagan and now he is a successful chiropractor in Toledo with a wife and family. Actually, that’s not true. I have no idea what Trigger is up to these days. We haven’t spoken since we ate those ecstasy spiked oats and accidentally made out at that frat party. Based on his academic performance, my guess is that he’s making your sliders at the White Castle next to
the abandoned Kmart and living in your mom’s basement.

Religion is a subject that is often uncomfortable to talk about in the workplace. Unless your name is Rita from accounts payable and you’ve recently been baptized after sleeping with some guy your dad used to work with down at the scrap yard. As you may reject certain principles of the mainstream faiths, others may be nervous seeing your pentagram tattoo peeking out from the back of your waistband. Do you worship Satan? Do you shop at Hot Topic? Are you going to mug them and buy black nail polish and Erasure CDs with their credit cards? Where do you buy CDs nowadays? They don’t know! I’m sure they also find your overpowering aroma of henbane equally offensive.

I would suggest that you find subtle ways to bring your practices in to the office, perhaps by putting up a Stevie Nicks poster and sprinkling potpourri around your register. Any image of Ms. Nicks in a hooded shawl is both magickal AND hot. A poster of Fairuza Balk from The Craft is an equally sexy choice.  I’m also sure your grandma has some mesh bags of dried out rose petals from 1993 in her sock drawer you can use. A subtle homage to nature or naturally textured hair can be your way of honoring the goddesses without getting everybody’s saddle twisted. If I were you, I’d do a few chants while you anoint yourself with body spray.

Now that you’re armed with confidence, you tell Rick down at the Quick Stop that as long as you’re replacing those hot dogs on the roller grill and not stealing lotto tickets you can practice your religion as you damn well please!

Break a leg,
The Answer Horse

(Need the help of the Answer Horse? Email her at answerhorseu4e@gmail.com. Seriously. She’s ready for whatever crisis you might throw at her.)

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