The Union Forever Discovers a Trick for Dealing with Outraged Cretins on the Internet

(Hieronymus Bosch, though he never knew it, is the official painted of the internet age.)

Hieronymus Bosch, though he never knew it, is the official painted of the internet age.

Once upon a time, the Union Forever published an article about lightsabers. In it our beloved Frank Przewozny explained how 8 different lightsabers were even “worse” than that goofy hand-and-a-half lightsaber from the Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer. That article, which probably only took Frank an hour to write, has since become the most popular thing the U4E has ever published. By far. It has been viewed now over 200,000 times. Our second greatest achievement has only been viewed a quarter of that.

But it’s also created a considerable amount of controversy. Apparently people have very strong opinions about Star Wars. Who knew? Hundreds and hundreds of comments poured into our Facebook group and onto our website with many arguing back and forth about whether the lightsabers Frank listed were actually terrible or not, while others wrote two, three, or four hundred word treatises on why the original crossbarred lightsaber in question was in fact awesome and perfect, and that the Union Forever, along with anyone else who ever dared to question the lightsaber’s usefulness as a weapon or aesthetic beauty, should be sent to a concentration camp for immediate extermination.

Retarded

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Pornography is a Health Choice Too

Today, healthy choices are all the rage. Avoid gluten! Avoid flour. Don’t drink and drive. You were born into a first-world country where individual life has value – act like it! Protect your one, most cherished investment and stay healthy.

Of course, it’s difficult enough to navigate your diet and finances to ensure that you will live to die of a terrible incurable debilitating illness at 58. But what about sex and pornography?

Much of America’s prudish health food-industrial complex is too backward and puritanical to even consider the modern implications of the old adage grandmother told you: “You are what you masturbate to.” The U4E is not. We are all sex-positive here.

Pornographic intake is, like so much else in our environment that shapes us, a question of healthy choices. What should you choose? What is appropriate, and what is wrong and sick? What is the healthiest pornography, the ones you and your children and your pets and your friends’ children and pets should be watching or reading every night to build moral and sexual fiber?

Here are our recommended guidelines: (more…)

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The Secret Truth of the Film Groundhog Day

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Everyone has seen Groundhog Day, right? Phil is an asshole who gets stuck in the same day until he learns not to be an asshole. We saw in the movie that he was stuck in that day long enough to learn French and jazz piano. He was in there long enough to memorize the actions of everything and everyone in town. He was in there long enough to experiment with some light hedonism and attempt suicide numerous times. He was in there long enough to make Rita legitimately fall in love with him in 24 hours, after which he was released from his time-and-spacey prison.

That’s what we saw in the movie. The writer, Harold Ramis, said that he thinks Phil was trapped in the day for 10,000 years.

10,000 years.

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