The 4 Best Movies to Watch With Your Non-Defined Romantic Partner this Valentine’s Day

NSFW

Moloch

Moloch Screenshot

The only reason you watch a movie on Valentine’s Day is because you want to get in “the mood.” That’s why I want to recommend to you Moloch which has the greatest sex scene in the history of cinema. Not so much for its carefully poised camera angels or its luminous colors but for its participants—Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun.

And, you know what, it’s actually pretty romantic. Eva Braun gets naked and prances around the battlements. Hitler stumbles around fidgeting with fruit and the faltering war. Eva listens to his fears and sorrows and then, cornering him in his room, whispers to him how she would love him even if he was nothing, a zero. And then…the magic:

HItler Gif

“Papa Hitler!” she cries as Hitler seems to orgasm. “Papa Hitler! Papa Hitler!”

Visitor Q

Visitor Q  Facemask

Sooner or later if you keep having sex with your beloved then you’re going to have a baby. It’s just a fact of life. No birth control is 100% effective and we all know how future President for Life Ted Cruz feels about the legality of abortion. So what better way to prepare for the inevitability of raising family by watching the greatest movie ever made about family?

Visitor Q begins innocuously enough with a journalist father accidentally having sex with his daughter as part of a news special he’s making about prostitution. From there things get even better as you realize his family is not only troubled by prostitution and incest, it’s also rife with bullying, heroin addiction, depression, and parental abuse? What can save them? Only Visitor Q! Who smashes the father in the head with a brick that sets off a long string of events that ultimately culminates in the family coming together to free their father’s penis from a corpse he was having sex when rigamortis unfortunately set in.

Mysteries of Life

A movie worthy of ABC Family if I ever saw one!

Salo or the 120 Days of Sodom

Salo Bent Over

As previously established, Valentine’s Day is a sexy day. We all know this. But the thing about sex that no one will admit is that it’s painfully boring. My god! Just genitals rubbing against each other from here unto eternity? Watching grass burn out in the hot sun is more interesting!

This is why Salo is so useful. An adaptation of the Marquis De Sade’s unfinished novel The 120 Days of Sodom set in the dying days of Mussolini’s Social Republic, it follows the sexual misadventures of four fascist scions (a duke, a bishop, a president, and a magistrate) who have retreated to a rural chateau with a gaggle of beautiful young men and women for one last, perfect, brutal orgy before the whole empire comes crashing down.

The things these men do to their victims is just astounding! They force them to eat their own feces, force them to wear dog callers and to eat raw meat, burn their victim’s penises with candles and then cut out their tongues, marry strong handsome young men in satanic rituals and then sodomize each other. Normal Valentine’s Day sex is boring. Sex-positive sex is even more boring. But Salo sex will leave you and your partner with smiles on your faces and irremovable blood stains on your hands.

Up them steps!

What more could young lovers want?

Genki Genki

Wasps

My Grandma once told me that the most powerful way to bind a couple together is through hardship. Watching Genki Genki is the greatest hardship I have ever known.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Japan is a fucked-up society full of fucked-up people but the Genki Genki films may in fact be the aesthetic pinnacle of that insane and degenerate race. Ostensibly pornography, Genki Genki elevates erotica to the level of apocalyptic conceptual art.

The structure of each of the films is more or less the same.

Step 1: A naked woman is tied to chair.

Step 2: Some other women spit on her for a while.

Step 3: Her orifices are ceremoniously stuffed with an assortment of animals.

Generally the animals are reptiles or slimy sea creatures. Snakes. Eels. Frogs. Octopuses. Sometimes though things can get really wild and they start using wasps, scorpions, earthworms, and even baby mice. Often the animals aren’t even dead but very much alive when they go in. I still have occasional nightmares where I see the face of a hapless frog that went into a particularly special orifice squirming and gasping for air but came out dead as dead can be. It’s poor, closed eyes. It’s poor, limp limbs.

But that’s not even the worst of it. The worst of it is that the way that they stuff these women with animals is actually kind of beautiful. The director has a painter’s understanding of color and shape, and–impossible as it is to believe—there are moments when he manages transform the morally gruesome scenes into something that is aesthetically astounding. Baroque corkscrews of color emerging from anuses. Bright piles of worms crawling across pale waists. Luminous strings of wasps emerging from mouths.

Genki Genki

Watching Genki Genki, hard as you might try, you can’t deny that on some level this is art. Insane, monstrous, soul-crushing art that will forever destroy your ability to live as a normal human being.

Happy Valentine’s Day to you and yours,

~The U4E

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