Screw the Star-Spangled Banner, America Needs a New Awesome National Anthem

NO F-SCOTT KEY

The American theme song – or “national anthem” – is as out of date as the electoral college. It’s ponderously slow-paced. It’s obnoxiously bombastic. Nobody even shoots missiles at the White House anymore, so why do we have to hear about them when I just want to watch a baseball?

If we were a nation of patriots instead of cheese-sniveling chihuahua-walkers, the following are what we’d enshrine as our musical signatures.

 

“The KKK Took My Baby Away” – The Ramones

Punk music is the epitome of American culture: it’s loud, brash, and actually originally British. How better to bring our country to the 21st century than to play “The KKK Took My Baby Away” every time Barack Obama ascends a podium? Wouldn’t you feel proud?

This song has every modern thing that “The Star-Spangled Banner” doesn’t. It has guitars. It has a chorus. It has an actual acknowledgement of our nation’s neck deep involvement in white supremacist violence. Suck on that, Francis Scott Key.

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5 Entirely Pleasant Images of a Blossoming Tree

The Union Forever is not a magazine for all seasons. It is very strictly autumnal, a magazine of death, decay, and burnt orange. But even our wilted hearts cannot deny the strange joy that is seeing the first blossoms of life return to the barren earth in the Spring.

In honor of this feeling, we share with you a series of photographs taken by contributing photographer Emily Lewis of a blossoming tree in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where, until very recently, people were incapable of moving their cars because of six inch puddles of ice.

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