The American theme song – or “national anthem” – is as out of date as the electoral college. It’s ponderously slow-paced. It’s obnoxiously bombastic. Nobody even shoots missiles at the White House anymore, so why do we have to hear about them when I just want to watch a baseball?
If we were a nation of patriots instead of cheese-sniveling chihuahua-walkers, the following are what we’d enshrine as our musical signatures.
“The KKK Took My Baby Away” – The Ramones
Punk music is the epitome of American culture: it’s loud, brash, and actually originally British. How better to bring our country to the 21st century than to play “The KKK Took My Baby Away” every time Barack Obama ascends a podium? Wouldn’t you feel proud?
This song has every modern thing that “The Star-Spangled Banner” doesn’t. It has guitars. It has a chorus. It has an actual acknowledgement of our nation’s neck deep involvement in white supremacist violence. Suck on that, Francis Scott Key.
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that an otaku in possession of a good anime collection must be in want of a waifu.
For once a person has reached the sublimity of possessing three harddrives full of Japanese cartoons, a bookshelf of dog-eared manga, and a rudimentary knowledge of Japanese via Rosetta Stone, the grotesque frailties of human partners can no longer inspire anything but disgust.
Anime is perfection. Perfection is anime. Therefore the perfect partner must be made of anime.
We love our waifus. We love no one else. We don’t know any girls. We don’t know any boys. We don’t know any charming diminutive terms for intersex people we could, conceivably, love. We live in houses made of full-length body pillows. We have no one else.
Our parents are dead.
Here are the most perfect waifus with which to file the gaping void in your gaping heart:
Do you like video games? Were you alive in 2014? Time to read a list!
8. Bioshock Infinite
Bioshock Infinite was released on March 26, 2013 and immediately broke records by being the first video game to take place in space. Even better, the game had guns in it! Players control Andrew Ryan, an edgy man with a shotgun who can only shoot behind himself and over his shoulder as he tries to solve the mystery of space. Why is he in space? Can he save space from flags that are on fire? What will happen to the mushroom kingdom? These questions and more are answered as Ryan shoots things in linear, and slightly less linear, hallways for several hours.