Horror Cuts: Thankskilling

THANKSKILLING

Overview:

The notion of a Thanksgiving-themed horror film is so absurd that Eli Roth once made a fake trailer for a fake movie called Thanksgiving, where a maniac dressed like a pilgrim terrorizes a Massachusetts town. I can probably count the number of Thanksgiving-themed horror films on one hand. Unlike other holidays like Halloween and Christmas (Santa’s Slay, Rare Exports, Jack Frost, Treevenge, etc.), Thanksgiving just hasn’t been a fertile field for horror. There have been a few, scattered Thanksgiving-themed horror films over the years, like Home Sweet Home and Blood Rage (both of which I literally Googled just minutes before I wrote this sentence), but nothing that’s hit the mainstream.

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Then Jordan Downey made Thankskilling in 2009. While it’s not exactly a titan of horror, it’s finally brought some light to the holiday.

 

Works Cited:

Thankskilling (2009). A group of sexy teenagers run afowl of an ancient, homicidal turkey. That turkey winds up inside at least two of his victims.

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Thankskilling 3 (2012). A crowdsourced horror film that features weird puppets, a cat that kisses a man’s asshole, a wrinkly old grandmother who makes jokes about fucking black dudes, a talking trash bag, a Thanksgiving-themed amusement park, South Park-esque voice acting, and other extremely questionable artistic choices.

Here’s what I learned:

1. Saint Patrick’s Day has produced better horror films than Thanksgiving has

 Although the original Thanksgiving was the precursor to one of the most horrendous genocides in human history, there aren’t many Thanksgiving-themed horror films out there. You’d think that, with all the opportunities for unscrupulous Hollywood fuckwads to make a quick buck on 10 million dead Native American zombies who could terrorize a town on Thanksgiving, you’d have more Thanksgiving-themed horror films in the world.

But all we really have is Thankskilling. I might wager money that Thankskilling is the most mainstream Thanksgiving-themed horror film in existence today. Which is why, when you look at Thankskilling’s overall viewership relative to other horror films, it becomes obvious that Thanksgiving will never be synonymous with horror. If you look at the size of the circles in the following chart, it represents the size of the average number of raters per film for each horror franchise, and, by proxy, their overall viewership:

Raters by size

When you look at the horror franchises I have in my data, Thankskilling has the second fewest IMDB raters, on average, and by proxy, the second smallest viewership.

It’s small even when compared to the more niche horror films, like Ghoulies & The Mangler. Hell, it’s even surpassed by Leprechaun, which does for Saint Patrick’s Day what Thankskilling tries to do for Thanksgiving:

low raters

That’s right. You could really stretch these data to claim that Saint Patrick’s is a scarier holiday than Thanksgiving. Granted, it’s relative, like comparing the edibility of plastic to the edibility of glass, but given the option I’d probably eat plastic first.

2. Teenagers are the dumbest people on Earth.

Everyone thinks teenagers are dumb as shit. The moment I turned twenty, I started taking thinks seriously – I founded a 401K, started aggressively paying off my student loans, and began attending networking events. Before I was 20, I was a terrible person – I smashed concrete blocks in a parking lot with iron bars that I found in a dumpster behind the bar I frequented.

It took Thankskilling for me to finally realize that we’re all dipshits in our teenage years. In Thankskilling, I watched a teenager get fucked by a turkey and confuse that same turkey for her boyfriend. That scene may have lost me my faith that even God loves teenagers.

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Because Thankskilling is a film that parodies horror tropes in the most ham-fisted way imaginable, the main characters in Thankskilling are on a whole different level of incompetence. There’s a full sequence where the (teenage) female lead confuses the turkey for her father, because the turkey is wearing her father’s face.

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One of the key tropes of 70s and 80s horror is that the protagonists are dumb. However, Thankskilling pushes the boundaries of human incompetence. Sure, in 80s horror teenagers split off from the group to go skinny dipping, or get laid, or whatever – but no one ever confuses a turkey dick for their boyfriend’s in Friday the 13th or Halloween. No one sees Leatherface wearing their boyfriend’s face and thinks, “hey, that’s my boyfriend.” No one eats the Lament Configuration box only to have Pinhead burst from their stomach.

This is the humor of Thankskilling. Everyone is dopey as shit and Turkie plays along with the gags.

To be fair, the parents are perhaps dumber than their children, confusing a turkey in Groucho Marx glasses for a person:

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Thus, it shows that humanity is a story of progress, with the educational achievement of one generation surpassing the last.

Everyone may still be coffin fodder with a sub-80 IQ, but at least the teenagers seem to be marginally smarter than their parents.

3. Every horror icon should take a trip to space. Or the Hood. But Space first.

Going to space is a rite of passage for many horror antagonists. Jason Voorhees went to space. Pinhead went to space. The Critters were from space, and went back. Shit, even the Leprechaun went to space, where he infected a man’s penis with gonorrhea for peeing on him. I don’t know if there’s an abundance of cheap space ship sets in Hollywood or what else may be causing this eventual shift to science fiction, but everyone seems to do it at least once.

Including Thankskilling. Or, at least Thankskilling pretends to. Thankskilling 2: In Space is a fake movie. As a joke, the franchise jumps from Thankskilling to Thankskilling 3 and uses Thankskilling 2: In Space as a plot point in the “third” film.

space

Trips to space do a great job of keeping tired ideas fresh. I watched all the Friday the 13th films in a month, and I remember being pleasantly surprised by Jason X, which broke a long pattern that was getting stale. Hellraiser Bloodlines wasn’t the best space film I’ve ever seen, but it was definitely more interesting in Hellraiser 3, 5, 6, 7, and 9. Leprechaun in Space had all of the absurdity of Leprechaun 3, just in the distant future.

Which is why it’s so sad that Thankskilling 2 never actually happened. The opening of Thankskilling 3 features a teaser from the second film, featuring Turkey and an evil pumpkin pie shooting a lady astronaut with her tits out with space ships. After the 20 second teaser for Thankskilling 2: In Space, I realized that Jordan Downey, director of both films, had made the shit fest that is Thankskilling 3 film instead. But we’ll get to that later.

4. Horror films like to make jokes about their films existing within other films.

The Human Centipede is a film in The Human Centipede 2. The Human Centipede 2 is a film in The Human Centipede 3.

Halloween 2 is a film in Halloween 3: Season of the Witch.

Following in this long and illustrious tradition, Thankskilling is a film in the universe of Thankskilling 3.

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5. “If a turkey is not in his teepee, he’s killing one of your friends.”

In the original Thankskilling, the Turkey was an evil Native American spirit with a rich lore surrounding him.

He lived in a teepee. One storied proverb said that, if he isn’t in his teepee, he’s killing one of your friends.

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Keep an eye on that fucking teepee.

6. Turkie is about as good as Jason Voorhees at killing teenagers.

Turkie kills almost as many people in the Thankskilling franchise as Jason Voorhees does in Friday the 13th Parts II & III.

Killers first 2 films 2

 

That’s impressive considering that your average male turkey is 24 pounds, and Kane Hodder, who plays Jason Voorhees in in your 3 least favorite Friday the 13th films and Jason X, weighs 255 pounds. With 1/10th the weight of Jason Voorhees, Turkie manages to keep pace with the big man, killing 20 people over the course of two films.

To be fair, four of those victims were puppets (because Jordan Downey is a bizarre man who makes bizarre artistic choices), but it’s still an impressive record for a victim’s two-film streak.

The only two characters who might compete with Turkie’s record are Roy Burns from Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning, who kills a bunch of people while pretending to be Voorhees, and the Channard Cenobite, whose numbers are fluffed out because he kills a room of 10 hospital patients off screen. Otherwise, Turkie could make a strong case for the best murder run in a slasher’s first two films.

7. The drop off in quality in these films is pretty stark, in my opinion.

Despite what IMDB thinks, I think Thankskilling is a decent film. Sure, it’s not exactly Citizen Kane, but it’s not the worst film I’ve ever seen. It keeps the action flowing, it’s entertaining enough, and, at 67 minutes, it doesn’t overstay its welcome.

But this isn’t a commentary on the overall quality of Thankskilling, it’s a commentary on the lack of quality in Thankskilling 3. Meandering, weird, nonsensical, rife with puppets and pointless sub plots – it would be a significant understatement to describe watching Thankskilling 3 as a chore.

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A significant portion of the main characters in this movie were puppets for some inconceivable reason, and they were all voiced like Trey Parker voices Cartman. One of the puppets is an elderly woman who raps about getting boned by black dudes, fingers herself, and smells her own vagina.

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The movie turns into pixel art at one point for no real discernable purpose, there’s a short animation where a cat kisses a man’s asshole during a song. The actors’ conversations are forced and weird. The jokes are badly delivered. Some of the scenes feature lazily animated jpgs for special effects.

It’s not great.

If this description feels incoherent, it’s because the film itself is incoherent. The main character is an annoying orange puppet named Yomi who has lost her mind, which is appropriate because this movie fucking sucked.

I think that’s what annoys me the most – the incoherence. The annoying puppet voices, the goofy animation, the toilet humor would have all been forgivable if the film just would have felt well put together, and eliminated a lot of nonsense scenes where nothing happened. It suffers from Star Wars Christmas Special syndrome, where scenes varied from being irrelevant to the plot, to being too hard to figure out, to being too long and boring, to being some combination of all three of these things.

There was a period that I didn’t think I could feel any more. Then I watched Thankskilling 3, and I realized I could still feel hatred.

On IMDB, Thankskilling is rated 4.3. Thankskilling 3 is rated 3.4. The drop off in quality is stark.

But hey, at least the original is still a good film. So, considering my respect for Thankskilling, I’m going to issue this open letter to Jordan Downey:

Dear Mr. Downey,

I’ve never met you in my life, but this is an impassioned plea for you go back in time and make Thankskilling 2: In Space instead of Thankskilling 3. I’ve got boxes of shit in my childhood home that I could give you as compensation – Magic cards, carved sticks, a globe, Beanie Babies – just please time travel and fix your mistake.

Sincerely,

Longhand

Horror Cuts: Hellraiser

Hellraiser intro

Overview:

Unlike many of the other franchises in this series this series (The Mangler, Friday the 13th, Leprechaun), Hellraiser isn’t a slasher franchise. Instead, it’s more into body horror and HP Lovecraft-style Cosmic horror (but instead of a giant squid monster, the elder god is a flying polyhedron). I thought it would be a nice diversion from my steady diet of slasher films, so I gave the 9 Hellraiser films a watch.

Works Cited:

Hellraiser. Uncle Cotton, who really likes having weird sex in Southeast Asia, purchases a box that summons weird sex demons because he’s into that kind of thing. Uncle Cotton’s sister-in-law finds him in an attic, reduced to a pile of meat, and decides she wants to fuck him. She does this by feeding a bunch of lonely, horny, middle-aged men to Uncle Cotton.

 Hellbound: Hellraiser II: A doctor is interested in meeting the sex demons, so he follows them to Hell, where he is transformed into a sex demon. Then a girl has to solve a Rubik’s Cube to kill an elder god after another girl kills the doctor sex demon while wearing her step mother’s skin.

Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth: Some douchebag in New York buys a giant sex pillar that contains Pinhead, then fucks a bunch of girls in front of it.  Pinhead murders everyone in a nightclub.

 Hellraiser: Bloodline (AKA Hellraiser in Space): Pinhead and the other sex demons go to space and murder a bunch of space marines after 60 minutes of intergenerational backstory.

 Hellraiser: Inferno: A shitty Groundhog’s Day knockoff where it turns out the guy was in Hell the whole time.

 Hellraiser: Hellseeker: A shitty Jacob’s Ladder knockoff where it turns out the guy was in Hell the whole time.

 Hellraiser: Deader: A photojournalist goes to Prague to make friends with a cult.

 Hellraiser: Hellworld: Pinhead uses the broad appeal the Hellraiser brand and Massive Multiplayer Online Games to lure sexy teenagers to a party in the woods.

 Hellraiser: Revelations: A bunch of marketers try to write a Hellraiser film with no knowledge of Hellraiser save a vague description of the original film given by their stoned college roommate 10 years ago.

Here’s what I learned:

1) Some people turn into really shitty Cenobites.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Hellraiser franchise, a cenobite is a weird sex demon who can be summoned to this world using a magical puzzle box. The most famous is Pinhead, pictured center.

cenobites

In the second film, we discover that there is a process to transform human beings into Cenobites. In this film, this only happens to one guy. But by the third and fourth films, the writers stop exercising restraint and transform every 3rd person into a cenobite. As you can imagine, sustaining that level of creativity is hard. Hard like creating 150 new Pokémon every other year hard. I mean, that’s how we wind up with shitty Pokémon like Trubbish and Garbodor.

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Let’s look at some shitty Cenobites.

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Twin Cenobite

Speaking of shitty Pokémon, this guy really reminds me of the ice cream cone.

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I picture him gargling “KILL ME” while losing a 3-legged race.

jackhammer cenobite

Pistonhead Cenobite

Nothing screams “Beta Male” like getting your skull pounded by a mechanized cock for eternity.

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CD Cenobite

We finally know where all those free AOL CD’s went – into this smug motherfucker.

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Camerahead Cenobite

A shitty Danny Trejo with a weird head camera tumor.

2) I wouldn’t want to be a minor character in the Hellraiser universe

Pinhead and the Cenobites are choosy about the people they kill. In the second film, we learn that Pinhead and the cenobites can only claim souls under specific conditions: a person must open the Lament Configuration Box and have the intent to summon the cenobites. Alternatively, someone who opens the Lament Configuration Box can barter the souls of others to escape their fate. So, in most cases, Pinhead and his crew only seem to go after very specific victims.

It may seem odd then that there are probably more than 200 combined kills between all of the demons in the Hellraiser franchise. In reality, Cenobites are pretty undiscerning when it comes to murdering characters who are unimportant to the plot. In the second film, Julia Cotton kills 6-7 unnamed asylum patients to restore her body, and in the third, Pinhead kills over 100 people in a nightclub massacre.

Likewise, people who escape the Cenobites – Frank Cotton, among others – have the courtesy to only murder unnamed prostitutes, asylum patients, and middle-aged men – people who are irrelevant to the plot. In the first three films, only 17 of the roughly 175 people who die are characters who have lines and appear in multiple scenes. None of them are lead characters. It’s almost as though Clive Barker went out of his way to preserve iconic characters like Kirsty Cotton and Joey Summerskill so that they could return in iconic films like Hellraiser: Hellseeker.

On a more serious note, I did a quick comparison chart to look at how Pinhead’s kill count would look without any extras in the franchise. You’ll notice that he goes from the most prolific killer to the least.

all killers with and without extras

A couple of notes about this chart – it treats all characters who commit at least one murder individually, thus separating characters like Pinhead from Julia Cotton, who are both featured in Hellraiser. It also measures from the beginning of the first film in which a character is introduced as an antagonist, so Jason Voorhees’ line begins at the beginning of Friday the 13th Part 2, while Pamela Voorhees’ line would begin at the beginning of Friday the 13th, and Roy Burns would begin at Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning.

3) Despite what I expected, Pinhead really isn’t the primary murderer in this franchise. In fact, there really isn’t one.

Unlike Friday the 13th and Halloween, there isn’t a central murderer in this narrative. You could call Pinhead the primary antagonist, but only because Pinhead drives a lot of the action that leads to death. But unlike a Michael Myers or a Jason Voorhees, Pinhead isn’t a mindless killing machine; instead, he’s a schemer whose motivations go beyond murdering everyone he comes across. Or, at the very least, he’s a schemer whose motivations go beyond murdering everyone he comes across who’s outside of a night club.

In fact, if you compare Pinhead’s kill count to the character other than Pinhead with the highest number of kills in each film, Pinhead only leads in kills in 1/3 of the film.

Table4) Only open cursed puzzle boxes if you have a thing for getting your nips torn off with hooked chains.

Lament Configuration Box

If you come across something that looks like this Lament Configuration Box, best not to play with it. Alternatively, you could give it to your kinkiest friend as an anniversary present.

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5) Almost all of the watchable films are at the beginning of this franchise.

IMDB has not been kind to the later entries in the Hellraiser franchise:

Overall Ratings

Beyond the first 3-4 entries, watching this film franchise was tough. The first two entries in the series are quality films; in fact, among the films I’ve watched, Hellraiser has the top ranked 1st entry and the top ranked 2nd entry among all franchises. Both of them are excellent horror films – the Cenobite designs are cringe-inducingly weird, they’re dark, and they convey this sense of futility in the human condition.

But then, something changes. Some of the new Cenobite Designs are hilariously bad, Pinhead goes to space, they shoehorn Pinhead into a couple of shitty Jacob’s Ladder knock off films, they try to work a film into Groundhog’s Day in Hell, and they make a movie about a massive online roleplaying game based on the Hellraiser brand. By the time you get the Hellraiser: Revelations, the franchise’s stock has crashed. In fact, the 9th entry is the fourth worst film among everything in my data, rated higher than only three others – The Mangler 2, which is renowned to be one of the worst films of all time, Ghoulies 4, and Antfarm Dickhole, which is exactly as good as it sounds.

It gets so bad that the audience abandons the franchise – Revelations has a little more than 1/20th of the raters that the original movie has. Most horror franchises seem to lose viewers over time, but no film’s drop off is quite that spectacular.

Table 2

hellraiser popularity

6) This franchise really hated how I kept track of character deaths.

Hellraiser revealed to me that there are plenty of flaws in the way that I’m tracking character deaths. But before we get into those details, let’s look at all of the kills across all franchises I’ve watched:

All Kills in Franchise

In a franchise like Friday the 13th, rules for counting are fairly simple – a guy gets stabbed, and you count the death when he slumps in front of the camera. Hellraiser has some weird rules surrounding death in its narrative, which required me to make some rules up on the fly. Here are a few of the assumptions that I followed.

Multiple Deaths for one character. Throughout Hellraiser, 11 characters die twice, 2 characters die 3 times, and one character, Trevor Gooden, suffers 4 onscreen deaths within a single film.

This is a problem because I only want to count a character’s death one time. As such, I only count the final time a character dies per film. Frank Cotton dies twice in the original Hellraiser film, but I only count his second death, when he’s ripped apart by Pinhead and company.

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The Nightclub Massacre. Pinhead murders an entire nightclub full of people in Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth. Guessing the precise number of people who died in this sequence is nearly impossible. In a couple of later scenes take place in the nightclub, which is full of corpses; I estimated that about 125 people died based on a hasty corpse count during these scenes.

Everything is a dream. Hellraiser: Inferno, Hellraiser: Hellseeker, Hellraiser: Deader, and Hellraiser: Hellworld feature long sequences where it’s difficult to discern reality. These were all tricky to track.

In Inferno and Hellraiser, we never actually arrive in base reality, so I track the sequence of deaths as they occur in the dream world. In Hellworld, five of the characters are trapped in a drug trip, and their deaths align in both the fantasy and reality. None of the deaths in Deader’s fantasy actually happen, so I only counted the deaths that occurred once we arrived in reality. Oh, and all of the deaths in Deader happen to characters who have already died once before, further confusing my methods.

The conclusion you should draw from all of this is that I’m going to stick strictly to movies where I can confirm when a characters alive or dead for these articles.

8 Things I Learned from the Friday the 13th Franchise and the Graphs to Back that Shit Up

Friday the 13th logo

Friday the 13th is the one most prolific franchises in the horror genre. The franchise contains 12 separate films that place lead antagonist Jason Voorhees in a summer camp, a lake house, Manhattan, the body of a sad, middle-aged police officer, space, a nightmare, and back around to a second (or maybe fifth?) lake house. But how many people can honestly say that they’ve seen all 12 entries in this series?

I can.

Works Cited:

Friday the 13thPamela Voorhees kills a bunch of horny teens because she’s mad about her son drowning

Friday the 13th Part 2 – Jason Voorhees kills a bunch of horny teens because he’s mad about a camp counselor decapitating his mom with a machete.

Friday the 13th Part III Same as 2, but this time Jason wears a hockey mask

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter – Same as 2, but this time Jason gets killed by an 8-year-old Corey Feldman

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning – Same as 2 but this time Jason is a guy pretending to be Jason

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives – Same as 2 but this time Jason is a zombie

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood – Same as 2 but this time the female lead has psychic powers

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan – Same as 2 but this time the cast spends a quarter of the film traipsing around Manhattan

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday – Jason dies when he’s stabbed with a magic knife by his niece

Jason X – Same as 2 but on a space ship in the future

Freddy vs Jason – Same as 2, but with a totally awesome sweet fight between Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees and some chintzy, early 2000s sex appeal

Friday the 13th – Same as 2 but filmed likea movie released in 2009

What I Learned:

1) When it comes to murder, few can compete with Jason Voorhees

Jason Voorhees, Pamela Voorhees, and Roy burns score 184 kills across about 17 and a half hours of film.

all villains

 

Compared to the other chumps on this chart, Jason’s numbers are impressive. As Jason goes deeper into the franchise, he kills more and more people – Pamela only kills 10 people in the first Friday The 13th, while Jason kills 20 people in both Jason Goes to Hell and Jason X. Few other horror icons can compete with that kind of murder output.

Which brings me to my second point:

2) Jason would be a good metaphor for the AIDS crisis, if AIDs were a completely different disease that had a 100% transmission rate and killed victims instantly when their genitals touched their partner’s genitals.

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38 characters have sex in the Friday the 13th films, and Jason murders all 38 of them.

So if you see a guy wearing a hockey mask and wielding a machete, it might be time to invest in a chastity belt.

3) Jason really hates teenagers and twenty-somethings.

Maybe this isn’t a revelation, but if you find yourself in a Friday the 13th Film, your odds of dying are somewhat lower if you’re not in your teens or twenties.

likelihood to die

4) Jason is a master of killing people with camping gear lawn tools.

But he’s proficient at killing people with anything he can get his hands on.

tools

I bolded a few of my favorites – the party horn:

party horn

The sleeping bag:

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And one spectacular bare handed kill:

 

Julius Head Punch

5) The Friday the 13th Movie Franchise is more durable than some other horror franchises.

Friday the 13th has some surprising market durability when you compare it to some of its peer franchises.

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As the franchise gets deeper, it would make sense that the number of people who watch each installment would drop off. When you consider horror franchises, which are 1.) cheap to make, 2.) easy to write, and 3.) have exploitable brand recognition (looking at you, Hellraiser: Revelations), you have a recipe for a viewership that melts away as the franchise persists. If you look at almost every franchise on this graph, the same thing happens – the number of people rating this film, and likely the number watching it, drops from installment to installment – especially the Hellraiser franchise.

But this isn’t true with Friday the 13th, which seems to experience a renaissance during its 10th installment, Jason X, pulling it out of its slow decay.  The franchise peaks in its 11th installment, Freddie vs. Jason, and it only slips a bit with the 2009 remake. This was probably a combination of clever marketing, novel settings, and the sweetest early 2000’s crossover film in history.

6) Almost every Subtitle is a lie.

The Final Chapter

This is the 4th film in a 12 film franchise.

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This film is fundamentally the same as the first 4 films.

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Only 1/3 of this film takes place in Manhattan.

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This is the 9th film in a 12 film franchise.

7) Jason gets more comfortable with confrontation as the series goes on.

The first five films have a mystery element to them, where Pamela, Jason, and Roy quietly stalk their victims and kill them by surprise. Usually characters don’t know that the murderer is around until it’s too late, and the murderer doesn’t enter into open conflict until the last 20-30 minutes of the film. You’ll notice that there are no open conflicts before the last leg of the film in movies 1-5:

tension

In contrast, the later films see Voorhees frequently engaging open conflict with his victims earlier in the film. Perhaps the way that horror narratives were written shifted in the mid-80s, and directors wanted their characters to show terror before being killed, rather than building tension and mystery. After all, by the 6th film, everyone knew that the killer was Jason.

Then again, becoming an invincible zombie may have also made Jason less careful.

8) You’re better dead than Ted.

One of the worst, most repugnant, piece-of-shit characters in this franchise is a guy named Ted Cooper.

Better Dead than Ted

Ted appears in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (Part IV), where he’s a relentless asshole to his friend, Jimmy, who he calls a “dead fuck” after Jimmy’s girlfriend breaks up with him. He tries to fuck every woman at the lake house, demanding that they “give Teddy Bear a kiss” when they’re visibly uncomfortable, and he becomes surly and standoffish when they tell him to fuck off. This shot of Ted occurs in the middle of a party – everyone else in the room is having fairly normal interactions, while he’s brooding and staring at matches because no one will fuck him.

One of the women he’s hitting on leaves the party early and is promptly thrown against the house by Jason Voorhees, which is a merciful end after having to put up with Ted’s bullshit.

Ted is the culmination of a long lineage of churlish nerds in the franchise. In the first film, our Ted is a guy named Ned. Ned runs off to a cabin to pout when Kevin Bacon goes to fuck his girlfriend, because I guess Ned liked her or whatever. Ned is then promptly stabbed by Pamela Voorhees.

In the second film, our Ted is a guy named Scott. Scott spends most of the early movie following and making creepy comments to one of his co-counselors, Terry. When Terry goes skinny dipping, Scott runs up and steals her clothes, and then gets caught in a snare. Terry, bless her heart, tries to help him, but Voorhees puts them both out of their misery.

Part III features Shelley, the Carrot Top of the Ted archetype. Shelley has a thing for prop comedy – when the cast first gets to the lake house, Shelley fakes his own death using a fake axe, and scares the shit out of all of his housemates. He has a short confrontation with a female character where he describes himself as fat and unlovable, and says that no one would pay attention to him if he weren’t an asshole, and then runs off to a barn to sulk.

When he dies, the other characters don’t even believe that he’s actually dead, they think it’s another shitty joke.

Part V features a stuttering nerd in a halfway house who just directly asks two of his housemates if they want to fuck. This guy is probably the most respectable archetypal Ted in the series because he cuts straight to the point, and is willing to take no for an answer. He still dies, though.

It’s a good thing that Voorhees has the decency to put all of these assholes out of their misery.