The 2016 Presidential Candidates Reimagined as Dog Catchers


Marx Brothers

There is an old cliché in American politics that goes more or less like this: “I wouldn’t vote for [Candidate] to be dog catcher!” The subtext of this cliché is, of course, that a particular presidential candidate is so distasteful, so ripe with incompetence that even the lowest rung of American elective office would be beyond their meager powers of governance. Classic damnation by hyperbole.

But how would our current crop of Presidential candidates fair if actually tasked with catching dogs?

Only the Union Forever dares to consider.

 

Donald Trump

Donald Trump

Would catch a significantly below average number of dogs. Would then stand in front of the dog catcher’s office screaming at passersby about how he was the greatest dog catcher who ever lived. A surprising number of people will believe his boasts and build him a golden statue. Everyone, including Trump, will then stand around the statue and look up in wonder. Meanwhile dogs will escape, rob several banks, and abscond to Canada.

Marco Rubio

Official Portrait

Would devote all of his time and resources to catching Chihuahuas. Would catch zero Chihuahuas. Will eventually be devoured in his own bed by a pack of Chihuahuas.

Ben Carson

Ben Carson

Wouldn’t catch dogs. Would instead lecture stray dogs on the immorality of their lifestyles, encouraging them to find Jesus. Those dogs susceptible to his persuasion, he would then lure back to his office where he would use them for reckless medical experiments. Sowing similarly colored dogs together like Siamese twins. Dog centipedes. Dog brain swaps. Will be consistently re-elected but later known to posterity as the “Mengele of Dogs.”

Bernie Sanders

Sanders-021507-18335- 0004

Will catch a few dogs. But then, while imprisoning said dogs, will begin to wonder if it is the fault of the dogs that they are strays or the fault of society. Will decide on society as animals can only follow their instincts. Will develop comprehensive but expensive plan to prevent dogs from becoming strays in the first place. Plan will die in city council committee. Feeling guilty, he will then release the imprisoned dogs back into the wild with a new suit, fifty dollars, and a copy of Thomas Piketty’s Capital in the 21st Century. The dogs will be immediately hit by a bus.

Ted Cruz

At the 2013 Values Voter Summit.

Would refuse to catch dogs on account of stray dogs being “harder working” and “smarter” than “lazy” registered dogs. Will instead spend the entire dog catching budget on slabs of meat which he will distribute to the stray dogs each night out of the back of a pick-up truck. Stray dogs will grow so big and numerous that they suppliant human civilization. Doglords will name their first Mars colony “Cruztopia” in his honor. Every dog in Cruztopia will be killed by ghosts.

Jeb Bush

Jeb Bush

Would catch an average number of dogs but be unable to make anyone care. Will be occasionally pelted with eggs by people who confuse him with his brother. Will cry himself to sleep each night cursing God. No one, not even his children, will remember he was ever alive.

Chris Christie

Chris Christie

Would drive around town in the dog catching van blaring Bruce Springsteen. Will have moderate success until dogs learn to flee at the sound of the Boss. Christie will try to chase them but prove too slow. His dog catching administration will sink into despondency. Will try to save himself from the jaws of oblivion by running for mayor but only humiliate himself. Will eventually take to drinking and yelling at his TV.

John Kasich

John Kasich

Would catch an impressive number of dogs. Having significantly curbed the stray dog problem, he will then devote himself to establishing an equally efficient city wide gestapo devoted to ensuring that dog owners didn’t violate “God’s Will” by spaying or neutering their dogs. “If dogs don’t want to get pregnant,” he will say in a speech broadcasted citywide, “then dogs shouldn’t have sex.” Dogs will continue to have sex. Dog population will increase exponentially. People will start abandoning their pet’s unwanted puppies in the streets. Stray dog population will increase exponentially. Dog catching gestapo will become overmatched by sheer numbers. Will eventually die smothered by an earth-encompassing pile of dogs. His last words will be a choking, mumbled “eli eli lama sabachthani.”

Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton

Will catch dogs but will also obscure the record so as to make it impossible to know exactly how many dogs. Still the streets will seem cleaner. Eventually, though, the corpses of dogs will start turning up in the river. When questioned Clinton will deny any responsibility. It will be difficult to ascertain whether or not she is telling the truth. Rumors will begin to spread among the local children that the chicken nuggets at the school cafeteria are actually “dog nuggets.” Panic will set in. Rioters will swarm the grocery stores demanding proof that their steaks are angus and not labradoodle. Meanwhile, a local corporation will make a minor fortune selling a thermometer-like apparatus that purports to determine whether a given meat is “dog” or “not dog.” It will later be discovered that Clinton is a significant shareholder in the company. Still after doing a careful cost-benefit analysis, the electorate will choose to retain her in office.

The 4 Best Movies to Watch With Your Non-Defined Romantic Partner this Valentine’s Day

NSFW

Moloch

Moloch Screenshot

The only reason you watch a movie on Valentine’s Day is because you want to get in “the mood.” That’s why I want to recommend to you Moloch which has the greatest sex scene in the history of cinema. Not so much for its carefully poised camera angels or its luminous colors but for its participants—Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun.

And, you know what, it’s actually pretty romantic. Eva Braun gets naked and prances around the battlements. Hitler stumbles around fidgeting with fruit and the faltering war. Eva listens to his fears and sorrows and then, cornering him in his room, whispers to him how she would love him even if he was nothing, a zero. And then…the magic:

HItler Gif

“Papa Hitler!” she cries as Hitler seems to orgasm. “Papa Hitler! Papa Hitler!”

Visitor Q

Visitor Q  Facemask

Sooner or later if you keep having sex with your beloved then you’re going to have a baby. It’s just a fact of life. No birth control is 100% effective and we all know how future President for Life Ted Cruz feels about the legality of abortion. So what better way to prepare for the inevitability of raising family by watching the greatest movie ever made about family?

Visitor Q begins innocuously enough with a journalist father accidentally having sex with his daughter as part of a news special he’s making about prostitution. From there things get even better as you realize his family is not only troubled by prostitution and incest, it’s also rife with bullying, heroin addiction, depression, and parental abuse? What can save them? Only Visitor Q! Who smashes the father in the head with a brick that sets off a long string of events that ultimately culminates in the family coming together to free their father’s penis from a corpse he was having sex when rigamortis unfortunately set in.

Mysteries of Life

A movie worthy of ABC Family if I ever saw one!

Salo or the 120 Days of Sodom

Salo Bent Over

As previously established, Valentine’s Day is a sexy day. We all know this. But the thing about sex that no one will admit is that it’s painfully boring. My god! Just genitals rubbing against each other from here unto eternity? Watching grass burn out in the hot sun is more interesting!

This is why Salo is so useful. An adaptation of the Marquis De Sade’s unfinished novel The 120 Days of Sodom set in the dying days of Mussolini’s Social Republic, it follows the sexual misadventures of four fascist scions (a duke, a bishop, a president, and a magistrate) who have retreated to a rural chateau with a gaggle of beautiful young men and women for one last, perfect, brutal orgy before the whole empire comes crashing down.

The things these men do to their victims is just astounding! They force them to eat their own feces, force them to wear dog callers and to eat raw meat, burn their victim’s penises with candles and then cut out their tongues, marry strong handsome young men in satanic rituals and then sodomize each other. Normal Valentine’s Day sex is boring. Sex-positive sex is even more boring. But Salo sex will leave you and your partner with smiles on your faces and irremovable blood stains on your hands.

Up them steps!

What more could young lovers want?

Genki Genki

Wasps

My Grandma once told me that the most powerful way to bind a couple together is through hardship. Watching Genki Genki is the greatest hardship I have ever known.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Japan is a fucked-up society full of fucked-up people but the Genki Genki films may in fact be the aesthetic pinnacle of that insane and degenerate race. Ostensibly pornography, Genki Genki elevates erotica to the level of apocalyptic conceptual art.

The structure of each of the films is more or less the same.

Step 1: A naked woman is tied to chair.

Step 2: Some other women spit on her for a while.

Step 3: Her orifices are ceremoniously stuffed with an assortment of animals.

Generally the animals are reptiles or slimy sea creatures. Snakes. Eels. Frogs. Octopuses. Sometimes though things can get really wild and they start using wasps, scorpions, earthworms, and even baby mice. Often the animals aren’t even dead but very much alive when they go in. I still have occasional nightmares where I see the face of a hapless frog that went into a particularly special orifice squirming and gasping for air but came out dead as dead can be. It’s poor, closed eyes. It’s poor, limp limbs.

But that’s not even the worst of it. The worst of it is that the way that they stuff these women with animals is actually kind of beautiful. The director has a painter’s understanding of color and shape, and–impossible as it is to believe—there are moments when he manages transform the morally gruesome scenes into something that is aesthetically astounding. Baroque corkscrews of color emerging from anuses. Bright piles of worms crawling across pale waists. Luminous strings of wasps emerging from mouths.

Genki Genki

Watching Genki Genki, hard as you might try, you can’t deny that on some level this is art. Insane, monstrous, soul-crushing art that will forever destroy your ability to live as a normal human being.

Happy Valentine’s Day to you and yours,

~The U4E

2 Deathbed Artworks that Aren’t David Bowie’s Blackstar

Rest in peace, David. I never listened to your music, but you were famous.

Rest in peace, David. I never listened to your music, but you were famous.

A couple days before he died, David Bowie did a strange thing—he released an album, Blackstar. Not only did he release an album, he released an album that is entirely about his own immediately impending death. As an artist he was afforded an opportunity to make one last gesture, one last attempt at communication with his audience before he slipped into oblivion. Continue reading